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#1 - If I Were a Carpenter
Season 1 Episode 1
Aired 11/11/1983
Dennis, Neville and Oz head for Germany, looking for work as bricklayers. They get work in Dusseldorf, but only two bricklayers are needed. Dennis makes out that Neville is a carpenter so that the trio can stay together. Neville isn't too happy with his work, since his carpentry skills are very limited. He decides to call it a day and head back home. That night, he goes out on the town and has too much to drink. He wakes up next morning with a tattoo on his arm, dedicated to someone named Lotte. He decides that he'll have to stay in Dusseldorf for the time being.
Director: N/A
Writer: Ian La Frenais, Dick Clement
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#2 - Who Won the War Anyway?
Season 1 Episode 2
Aired 11/18/1983
Neville is suspended from work when his boss finds out that he's a bricklayer rather than a carpenter. Watching a group of men playing football, Neville spots an unexploded bomb which has been unearthed by a mechanical digger. He raises the alarm and is hailed as a hero. The boss finds a bricklaying job for him. There's a sudden vacancy because Oz has been in a fight with a group of Germans and has been sacked. The German workers go on strike until Oz is reinstated.
Director: N/A
Writer: Dick Clement, Ian La Frenais
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#3 - The Girls They Left Behind
Season 1 Episode 3
Aired 11/25/1983
Oz's wife, Marjorie, hasn't heard from him for quite a while and she's getting desperate for money. She goes to see Dennis' wife, Vera, and asks her where the lads are in Germany. Oz gets a letter from Marjorie, but marks it 'not known at this address' and sends it back. He takes a trip to watch a football match, gets drunk and wakes up on a plane bound for Newcastle. He makes his way home and gives Marjorie a sob story about not having any money. When Oz is still missing after several days, the lads back in Dusseldorf auction off his belongings and send the proceeds to his Newcatle address. He reappears to find that Marjorie has, apparetly, got the money she wanted from him after all.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#4 - Suspicion
Season 1 Episode 4
Aired 12/2/1983
Something very expensive goes missing from the hut and they all begin to suspect each other. So in a bid to catch out the culprit various plans are hatched but as usual all of them end in failure. But in the ed it turns out that the thief isn't one of them at all but someone from outside the hut.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#5 - Home Thoughts from Abroad
Season 1 Episode 5
Aired 12/9/1983
Bomber's sixteen-year-old daughter runs away from her home in Bristol, so Bomber returns home to be with his wife while the search for their child continues. The missing daughter finds her way to Germany and turns up on the site looking for her father. The lads decide to hide her in the hut until Bomber returns. But can they keep her a secret from the Germans until Bomber returns?
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#6 - The Accused
Season 1 Episode 6
Aired 12/16/1983
Neville meets a German girl in a bar and they share a taxi home. The girl is later assaulted and Neville is arrested by the police for the assault and protests his innocence. but none of his English friends are of any use to him it takes a group of German workers from the building site track down the real culprit and force him to give himself up to the police, and therefore freeing Neville.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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The 20 WORST Episodes of Auf Wiedersehen, Pet
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#7 - Private Lives
Season 1 Episode 7
Aired 12/30/1983
Dennis is getting it together with Dagmar from the site office. He takes her off to a hotel for a romantic interlude. Meanwhile, Wayne and Barry are 'on the pull' and have met up with a couple of Swedish air hostesses staying at the same hotel. Oz decides to play a practical joke on them, so he rings the hotel and leaves a message telling Barry and Wayne to go up to a particular room. The room is occupied by a German couple who think they're being mugged. Wayne and Barry have to 'do a runner' from the hotel. Their escapades ruin Dennis and Dagmar's chances of a romantic evening.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#8 - The Fugitive
Season 1 Episode 8
Aired 1/6/1984
The lads go off for a weekend's fishing in the country, where they meet up with an English hitchhiker who is very mysterious, they lads suspicions grow when he later runs away from the police. However after a large confruntation the lads find out the truth, the boys turns out to be AWOL from the Army. The lads persuade him to do the right thins and return to his unit.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#9 - The Alien
Season 1 Episode 9
Aired 1/13/1984
MacGowan is a violent Irish nutcase. Nobody on the building site likes him and he's always getting into fights and causing trouble. And with Bomber away he ends up as an unwelcome guest in the hut. However the lads find an ingenius way of getting rid of him.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#10 - Last Rites
Season 1 Episode 10
Aired 1/20/1984
While visiting a local hospital, Dennis and Neville become friendly with a Geordie expatriot named Hedley. He stayed in Germany after 'leaving' the Army and now has a terminal illness. Meanwhile, Oz has come up with a scheme to make money by exporting hardcore pornaographic videos from Germany to England. He talks Barry and Moxie into investing in the scheme and looks for a way to smuggle the videos to England. When Hedley dies suddenly, Oz talks the rest of the lads into paying for the body to be taken back to England for burial. He plans to hide the porno videos in the coffin. Wayne is going home for a family wedding, so he's talked into visiting Hedley's sister and arranging for the body to be handed over. He discovers that she doesn't want anything to do with her brother, who was apparently thrown out of the Army for racketeering. Hedley is cremated in Germany and Oz learns that his investment has gone up in smoke.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#11 - The Lovers
Season 1 Episode 11
Aired 1/27/1984
Barry talks the lads into redecorating the hut, using paint 'redistributed' from the site stores. Oz pretends to be a rich man's son to impress a German girl. He falls in love with her, only to discover that she has a Turkish boyfriend who owns a local 'sauna parlour'. Oz almost ends up being knifed by the Turk, but is rescued when the Turks on the building site convince the wouldbe attacker that Oz is 'otherwise inclined'.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#12 - Love and Other Four Letter Words
Season 1 Episode 12
Aired 2/3/1984
Dennis' wife, Vera, visits him in Dusseldorf and tells him that she wants to try to rescue their marriage. With Vera and the kids back home to consider, will he sty in Germany or Returnt the Sunny shores of England? Meanwhile, Wayne has fallen in love with Christa, a secretary in the site office.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#13 - When the Boat Goes Out
Season 1 Episode 13
Aired 2/10/1984
It's just about time to pack up and go home now that the German government has decided that all foreign workers will have to register and pay income tax. Dennis has decided to go back to Vera, so he plans to spend one last night with Dagmar. The rest of the lads go out on the town. When they get back to the building site, a fire starts and the hut is burnt to the ground. They all go round to stay the night at Dagmar's place. Next day, the lads go their separate ways and Dennis, Neville and Oz catch the ferry back to England.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#14 - The Return of the Seven Part 1
Season 2 Episode 1
Aired 2/21/1986
Barry needs some help to finish renovating his house in Wolverhampton before he marries his girlfriend, Hazel. He sends out an SOS to his old pals from Dusseldorf. Dennis, Neville, Wayne and Bomber turn up to help out. They all go off for a drink and come back to find an intruder in Barry's house. It's Moxie - unknown to the others, he's escaped from prison.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#15 - The Return of the Seven Part 2
Season 2 Episode 2
Aired 2/28/1986
Dennis has to go back to Newcastle to see his boss, Ally Fraser. While he's there, he meets up with Oz and brings him back to Wolverhampton. Ally Fraser asks him to put together a work gang to renovate an old manor house in Derbyshire.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#16 - A Law for the Rich
Season 2 Episode 3
Aired 3/7/1986
The gang, minus Barry, arrive at Thornley Manor to start the renovation work. One of the locals reports them to the police, thinking they're housebreakers. They're staying at a local pub, where landlord Arthur Pringle takes an instant dislike to them.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#17 - Another Country
Season 2 Episode 4
Aired 3/14/1986
It's discovered that Thornley Manor is a listed building, so the lads are forced to stop work. Arthur Pringle throws everyone out of the pub after he catches Wayne in bed with his daughter.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#18 - A Home from Home
Season 2 Episode 5
Aired 3/21/1986
The lads can't find accommodation because Arthur Pringle has 'put the word out' about them. They have to 'rough it' in Thornley Manor. Then they find an amateur video showing sexy goings on at the Manor - with Arthur Pringle as one of the stars.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#19 - Cowboys
Season 2 Episode 6
Aired 3/28/1986
A plumber named Harry Blackburn, who's mad about Country and Western music, joins the gang temporarily. He talks the gang into going for a night out at a Country and Western pub, where ""Big Willie Osborne"" does a turn. The lads go on strike in protest against Ally Fraser's treatment of Dennis. Fraser sends a gang of 'heavies' around to teach the strikers a lesson. The lads give them a ""good kicking""
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#20 - No Sex Please, We're Brickies
Season 2 Episode 7
Aired 4/4/1986
Ally Fraser wants the conversion work at Thornley Manor to be finished quickly. He offers the lads some more work renovating his villa in Spain. Arthur Pringle discovers that Wayne didn't bother to get an import license for his German car. He tells the Customs & Excise and they impound Wayne's car. The lads help to get the car back and manage to finish the work at the manor. Before leaving, they brick up Arthur Pringle's front door.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#21 - Marjorie Doesn't Live Here Anymore
Season 2 Episode 8
Aired 4/11/1986
Oz goes back to Newcastle and finds that his wife Marjorie has moved away and someone else is living in his flat. He goes to his son Rod's school and waits for the lad to come out. He learns that Marjorie is now living with an Italian named Sandro. She plans to move to Italy with him, taking Rod with her.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#22 - Hasta la Vista
Season 2 Episode 9
Aired 4/18/1986
After some delays, the lads finally set out for Spain, Dennis gets a phone call from Ally in the departure lounge saying they are not going yet due to complications. These are all sorted out, and they fly out that weekend, pretending to be tourists and sharing a plane with the Spennymoor and district senior citizens society. .
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#23 - Scoop
Season 2 Episode 10
Aired 4/25/1986
Spain turns out to be a bit of a let-down, with a distinct lack of the 'action' some of the lads were looking forward to. The gang have problems with the local police after they go swimming in someone's pool, thinking it belongs to Ally Fraser. A British journalist thinks the lads are a gang of bank robbers on the run. They end up being featured in all of the British tabloid newspapers.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#24 - Law and Disorder
Season 2 Episode 11
Aired 5/2/1986
The lads have a few days off work. Ally tells them to make a real effort to persuade everyone that they're tourist rather than illegal workers.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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#25 - For Better or Worse
Season 2 Episode 12
Aired 5/9/1986
Hazel arrives in Spain and Barry tries to get wedding plans sorted out. Ally Fraser suggests that the happy couple should get married on Kenny Aimes' yacht. Unkown to the lads, Fraser plans to use the wedding as a cover for smuggling his money into Spain.
Director: N/A
Writer: N/A
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Best Episodes Summary
"If I Were a Carpenter" is the best rated episode of "Auf Wiedersehen, Pet". It scored N/A/10 based on 0 votes. Directed by N/A and written by Ian La Frenais, Dick Clement, it aired on 11/11/1983. This episode scored NaN points higher than the second highest rated, "Who Won the War Anyway?".