Sketches/Songs: ""Hawaiian War Chant"", ""Let's Call the Whole Thing Off"", ""Lady Be Good"", ""The William Tell Overture"", ""Veterinarian's Hospital"", Fozzie's Act, ""Bird in a Gilded Cage""

Kermit becomes jealous when Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Hilda and Scooter rave about Peter Ustinov. At the end, Peter admits that he's jealous of Kermit; he's always wanted to be a frog.

Fozzie Bear becomes embroiled in a running gag involving the backstage phone. Throughout the episode, Rita parodies her combative image. She battles with several Muppets, including Miss Piggy, a Full-Bodied Muppet, and Animal, who's backing her on drums in her closing number, "Fever."

Statler and Waldorf get their chance to do a better show than Kermit--they play host, while Kermit and Fozzie heckle from the balcony. Unfortunately, Statler and Waldorf's acts don't turn out exactly as they plan. The Berlin National Opera Company cancels and are replaced by the Salzburg Sauerkraut Singers. Hal's Fourth of July number is invaded by Gonzo on a sleigh singing Christmas songs. Finally, Statler and Waldorf admit that the show is harder to put together than it looks and happily go back to complaining from the balcony.

Kermit calls the Secret Service to hire real spies for Roger's closing number. (They're listed in the Yellow Pages.) However, Roger wants to do a cute, cuddly version of "Talk to the Animals". The spies, anxious for a chance to rub out James Bond, pose as fluffy animals to infiltrate the number.

Beaker tests Muppet Labs' new copier machine, ultimately falling into it and making seven copies of himself. The multiple Beakers gang up on Bunsen, and the doctor is forced to wear a disguise and hide from his assistants.

Kermit borrows fifty million dollars worth of gold for Shirley's closing number, "Goldfinger". Security guard Bruno is suspicious that Kermit wants to steal the gold, but keeping an eye on the frog makes him overlook a band of pig thieves, who steal all the gold as Shirley sings.

Fozzie performs Gags Beasley's famous "banana sketch," which everyone has heard of except Kermit. When Kermit asks Sandy and Fozzie to tell him what it is, they laugh too hard to explain it.

A young kid named Scooter applies for a job as a go-fer. When Kermit remarks that he doesn't even look like a gopher, Scooter explains that he'll go-fer coffee, he'll go-fer sandwiches, he'll go-fer anything. Kermit says he doesn't have the money to hire him, until Scooter mentions that his uncle owns the theater.

Kermit cuts Miss Piggy's scheduled song so she won't look foolish following Lena Horne. He tells her that "there are singers and there are singers," making her think that he doesn't want her to show up Lena.

When he's unable to get a spot on the show, Gonzo asks Scooter to be his manager. Scooter advises Gonzo to do a rock act, banging on a large rock with a mallet. Later, Gonzo tries his hand at female impersonation, wearing a dress and a blonde wig. Scooter gives up managing when Gonzo eats his contract.

To make Kermit jealous, Miss Piggy instructs Scooter to tell him that Avery is in love with her. Kermit finds out that it's all a trick, and Piggy karate-chops everybody.

When Fozzie overhears Hilda, Kermit, and Scooter talking about getting rid of "that bear," he thinks they're talking about him, only to find out later it's actually Gonzo's teddy bear that everyone is badmouthing.

Kermit is plagued by a night of backstage crises. A group of skiers get hurt during the opening number, and after Kermit says that the theater will cover their medical costs, Scooter forgets to cash the check. The Teeterini Family are angry that their teeter board won't fit on the stage. The Swedish Chef prepares spring chicken, and the bouncing chicken drives Kermit crazy. And let's not even talk about the blindfolded, hang-gliding yodelers.

Rizzo and the other rats bother Kermit for a spot on the show, so Kermit asks Beauregard to "take care of them." Of course, Bo takes that literally, and treats them as guests. The rats make Beau their president, and manipulate him into giving them food. The rats eventually become so bold that they decide to take over the show. Kermit says Beau has to kick them out, or he goes with them. Beau chooses to stick with his new rat friends, until Miss Piggy enlightens him.

Robin's Frog Scout troop visits the show, getting in everyone's way backstage. They ask Debbie for help earning their punk merit badges, and she teaches them how to do the pogo. When Gonzo cancels his act, the Frog Scouts get their chance to do a performance of close-order drills.

A messenger brings a message from the scheduled guest star -- Benny Brillstein, the Yiddish yodeler. Benny refuses to be on the show, so Kermit asks Chris, the messenger boy, to be the guest. Chris knows a joke, so Kermit introduces him as a comedian.

Gene is under the impression that he's a "guest" -- that is, he's going to sit and watch, but not perform onstage. Frantic, Kermit tricks him into performing by asking him to give him a dance lesson on-stage. Kermit plans a surprise closing number, "Singin' in the Rain," Gene refuses, saying that he doesn't think he'll ever sing the song as good as he did in the movie, but he does eventually sing it backstage. Meanwhile, Scooter uses his Tarot cards to predict that the world is coming to an end. Beauregard believes him, and tries to convince the rest of the cast the apocalypse is near.

Thinking she was booked to do "The Muffin Show," Brooke finds herself growing and shrinking as the Muppets stage Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

Glenda reveals herself to be Black Jackson the pirate captain, and she takes over the Muppet Theater with the help of Short John Silver (Sweetums) and Eric, a heartless pirate parrot (in disguise as a penguin). They tie Kermit up, turn the theater into a ship, and cast off to look for buried treasure. The show ends with a musical battle at sea, with Gonzo and a crew of chickens fighting to save Kermit and the theater.

In honor of vaudeville-influenced guest star Wally Boag, the Muppets salute vaudeville, with a balloon animal act, a bagpipe player and a hypnotist. Wally performs acts he made famous at the Golden Horseshoe Revue at Disneyland, including the Pecos Bill teeth-spitting sketch.

Paul inspires Gonzo to be a songwriter. Unfortunately, Gonzo writes songs like "For You": "For youuu... I'd wash my hair with stinky glue, I'd fry my legs and eat them too, I'd put a spider in my shoe -- for yoouuuu!" Paul is stunned. Later, Gonzo's chickens run off with Paul, so Gonzo develops a new obsession -- asparagus. But at the end of the episode both the chickens and the asparagus run away when Paul asks for chicken with a side of asparagus.

How well can Loretta fit into Miss Piggy's roles? It all comes to a dramatic climax with the ""Pigs in Space"" installment.

Afraid that Linda will steal her frog away, Piggy locks Kermit up in a chest owned by Gonzo when Scooter helps him move his mildew ""collection"" and hides it.

Browsing through an old book of magic spells, Tony accidentally turns Miss Piggy into stone. He considers bringing her to a stonemason for help. Fozzie, Gonzo and Floyd crack stone jokes as Kermit and Tony try to find a spell to change her back. Of course, the show must go on, and the Piggy statue takes the stage for "Pigs in Space".