Tom Ballard is put in Bayview retirement home by drunken daughter Marion and her weak husband Geoffrey. Many of the residents are very passive but not retired journalist Diana Trent, whose mission in life is to annoy 'the idiot Baines' - Harvey Baines, the home's manager. Initially she thinks Tom is rather dotty but when he tries to organize the residents into action against the home's poor food she knows she has found an ally.

Diana rows with chief carer Jane for calling her a senior citizen and Tom does his best to ignore Marion and Geoffrey. Diana's niece Sarah has left her Porsche at the home so Diana drives Tom to Brighton in it. Harvey Baines reports it missing and the couple are stopped by the police but explain that Diana has her niece's permission to use it and Harvey is threatened with arrest for wasting police time.

Tom really thinks that he won't have to wait for God much longer when he says he is dying and is rushed to hospital. He is discovered to have had a heart attack but he becomes very depressed and talks about suicide,writing 'die on Thursday' in his diary. In order to talk him out of what she believes to be his plan to end it all Diana threatens to join him.

Tom is going to the christening of his nephew and wants Diana to accompany him but she is not keen because her arthritis is playing her up. Because she failed to declare it on her application form, Baines tries to get her evicted from the home. Tom doctors a 'naughty' photo of Baines to blackmail him into changing his mind but Diana uses her old press contacts to 'persuade' the committee to let her stay.

Jane wants to become a nun so Baines sacks her and brings in stern German matron Greta Mueller, who is a tyrant and tells Sarah where Diana hid the Porsche. Tom cons Baines into making him the head of the Residents' Association and gets up a petition, which Baines thinks is to get rid of Diana, so he signs it. Actually it's to get rid of Greta, so he is forced to fire her and reinstate Jane.

Baines decides that if Diana and Tom are seen to be mentally incompetent it will give him power of attorney over them and end all his troubles, particularly as the home is in financial difficulties. So he refers them to psychiatrist Dr.Darrow, for whom they act out a well-rehearsed pantomine of odd behaviour, leading the doctor to conclude that they are not mad, just a touch eccentric, with unexpected help coming from Sarah.

With upcoming by-elections Councillor Ferguson is courting the grey vote and comes to the home. At the same time Diana, once a photo-journalist, takes Tom up in a helicopter to take aerial shots of local houses to sell to their owners. Among her shots is one of Ferguson and the Swedish nanny being very naughty on the lawn. This comes in very handy at scuppering Ferguson's plan to support a Japanese spare parts factory being built next to Bayview.

Following the death,alone, of a resident, Tom puts himself forward as a counsellor to aid and comfort the terminally ill. A new female resident arrives and has afternoon delight with old Basil. Some time later Basil seems to be dying and Tom rushers to counsel him but he is merely suffering from exertion after sex with the lady. However, the lady dies and Tom organizes a splendid send-off for her.

Tom is depressed because he is missing his late wife but Marion and Geoffrey are not keen to have him home on respite. He turns his attentions to Diana and suggests that they shack up together, a proposition that offends her so much that she has a partition built between their two rooms. Her mood is not helped by the arrival of new resident Daisy, who has a strong personality like herself and with whom she soon clashes, though Tom gets on well with her.

Baines threatens Diana with expulsion unless she removes the partition but they both have more pressing matters to consider as Daisy becomes completely domineering, taking over the home with her ideas and threatening to get current staff sacked. Finally, Tom organizes a revolt against her, causing her to leave . . . and Diana to remove the partition.

Resident Betty claims that her sewing basket has gone missing and Tom and Diana decide to investigate. Not fully believing Betty's story they follow her and Tom intervenes when they see her apparently shop-lifting. Tom is arrested and conducts his own court case, being found not guilty of theft, but guilty of contempt of court. Later, Diana recalls that she had the sewing basket all along, having borrowed it from Betty and forgetting she still had it.

Tom 's belief that one should always tell the truth offends Jane, who has made herself look glamorous to appeal to Baines and Tom says she looks hideous. He also upsets Marion by telling her what he thinks of her, leading to a big row. Sarah introduces her boy-friend Sam, who is looking for investors for his proposed beauty salon franchise, but Diana and Tom suspect he is a con-man and Tom - to make his peace with Marion - 'persuades' Sam to let his daughter run her own beauty salon for free.

Diana falls and breaks her hip whilst throwing a brick at the home's incompetent South American gardener. She is taken to hospital where she rows with the Welsh doctor over a hip replacement operation and Sarah, about to marry Sam, comes to visit. Sarah knows that Diana dislikes Sam and wonders if she will try to stop the wedding..or even attend. In the end Diana turns up for her niece's big day, using a Zimmer frame. Marion, meanwhile, is not making a success of the beauty shop and Tom suggests Sam take back the franchise.

Tom has a bet with Diana that she can't be nice to people for a work. Such untypical actions only lead to confusion. Baines wants to organize a glamorous grandmother contest for the old ladies in the home, the prize being a cruise for two. Since Basil wants to marry Betty, Tom approaches his son-in-law Geoffrey, whose firm are sponsoring the contest to let Betty win, but when Betty gets cold feet and refuses to enter, Diana, having made sure a journalist friend is present to expose any 'fixing' the contest; replaces her and wins. She lets Betty and Basil have the prize.

In order to cut costs Baines decides to employ illegal immigrant workers at Bayview. To Diana one incompetent foreigner, the gardener, is enough and, after the residents have staged a protest, order is restored. Tom has been overdoing physical exercise in his efforts to get as fit as Linford Christie and his collapse leads Diana to persuade him to slow down.

A group of students comes to Bayview and Baines bribes Bob, one of them, into being seen in a compromising situation with Diana. This will enable him, under an old church covenant from the 1600's which was bestowed upon the home, to have her thrown out for immoral actions. As it happens Bob much prefers Marion and goes off with her instead.

In addition to her alcoholism, Marion's fling with Bob becomes the last straw for Geoffrey, who finally decides to leave her. But where can he go? Answer, move in with his father at Bayview but Geoffrey is so boring that before long Diana and Tom are planning to get him back with Marion.

Depressed vicar Dennis Sparrow is conducting the funeral of ex-Bayview resident Jimmy, but is making heavy weather of the eulogy and later he tells Tom and Diana that he is losing his faith. Geoffrey is back with Marion but their life is far from being a bed of roses and it's suggested Dennis tries to help them sort out their marriage. Not long afterwards Geoffrey announces that Marion and the vicar are now living together in Wales. Baines, meanwhile, is looking for a wife - a plan which involves Jane, though, sadly for her, not as a possible candidate, but as a helper.

Blaming Tom for introducing Marion to Dennis Sparrow, Geoffrey asks him to baby-sit his two children Skye and Tarquin, but they are little monsters who run rings round them. Fortunately, Diana is on hand to put them in their place. Baines decides to try computer dating to find his wife but Jane decides to put her oar in.

It's April and yet it's still very cold so the residents do not appreciate it when Baines turns off the central heating and suggest the residents go jogging to keep warm. Tom and Diana decide to get jobs to get out of the icy-cold home. Tom gets a job working with Geoffrey, but he is such a pain that ,in order to get rid of him, Geoffrey pays Baines to put the heating back on.

Baines meets a girl-friend, Lucy Maitland, at the hunt ball. His mother is coming to visit before going to stay with his sister so Jane poses as Lucy Maitland to put Mother off Harvey's new fiancee whilst Tom and Diana ham it up mercilessly pretending to be Baines' parents talking to Lucy. The result is that Lucy does not stay around and Jane has got her Baines back all to herself.

After she has been accused of selfishness, Diana goes to work as a volunteer at a charity for elderly people and takes up the cause of an old lady about to be evicted by unscrupulous estate agent Janet Follett. Diana learns that Ms. Follett is Baines' new girl-friend and she has plans for Bayview which will not go down well with the residents. With a little help from Tom and her media background Diana sets out to expose Ms. Follett.

Resident Dave Cartwright has died and at the wake the drink flows freely amongst the inhabitants of Bayview. Tom and Diana certainly have knocked it back and next morning wake up in bed together. Jane is shocked but Tom suddenly becomes very popular with the ladies in the home's bowling team.

Whilst Baines is ecstatic about his new car Tom and Diana plan a little holiday and start a vacation fund. Unfortunately, Geoffrey decides to invest the money in the new intensive care wing that Baines is having built for Bayview. When Tom finds out he and Basil show how creative they can be when somebody conveniently leaves a bulldozer lying around and the holiday is on.

Diana decides that she would like to enter politics and stands as an independent candidate for the Residents' Party. Baines has been asked to stand for the Tories so Tom decides he will have some fun and join in the race too. Diana is forced to stand down when Baines threatens to sack care worker Jenny but Diana makes sure that this is used against him too and his political career is a non-starter.