The Best Episodes Written By Ford Kiernan

Jack and Victor: together again, for the first time! The problem is Jack's having problems with his neighbours, and Victor's neighbour rolls over and joins the choir invisible. Will the DHSS listen to Robbie Burns, or will our heroes be kept apart? And as for What the Vicar saw...

Victor is awaiting a visit from his son John who now lives in Johannesburg. But when John leaves a message on Victor's answering machine, a crucial part of the message is inaudible due to background noise. Jack and Victor set out to discover what it says with help from their friend Shug who has an acute sense of hearing. Meanwhile, Winston gets injured in a fight with Peggy at the butchers over who gets the gigot chops.

Winter arrives in Craiglang with a vengeance. Jack and Victor find an old friend of theirs drops dead of the cold - is it time to take part in Winston's nerfarious scheme to steal 'leccy?

Jack realises how long it's been since his wife died and starts to find new love with a lovely woman in the city centre. But to win the fair lady's heart, a double date is in order. What will Victor do when he sees Barbara's sister, and what will he do when it turns out that all isn't as it seems with Barbara?

Navid is giving out invitations to what promises to be the wedding of the year in Craiglang. They're as rare and desired as Willy Wonka's golden tickets - so why don't Jack and Victor have one? And what are they to do when an old friend - and notorious tapper - 'dies', and the chance to slip back a few items presents itself?

Tam, the tapping king of Craiglang, has fallen on his feet with his latest win: a lifetime's free supply of film tickets and confectionary. Not to be outdone, our boys set out to win a slogan competition. Meanwhile, an old face from Isa's past returns...

The Neds have colonised the local park and Jack and Victor aren't happy about it. Winston decides to take matters into his own hands. Things aren't helped by the fact that their old pal Ronnie is in the loony bin, so they pose as his brothers to secure his release. But will they make it in time, and will auld Ronnie be up to the challenge of sanity?

Winston, a lifetime expert at fiddling the DHSS, takes his game one step-up, in the form of pretty home-helper Mrs. Begg . Our boys are quickly smitten. But can Winston keep up the pretence for long? Meanwhile, Jack and Victor now got their newly-widowed friend, Bert Finlay, to worry about. He's not managing: he walks around town like a jakie and can't even boil an egg for himself. A situation horribly familiar to both the boys, they decide to make sure to do right by their old friend before it's too late.

Winston and Tam become love rivals over a gentle, lovely lady at the local library. But which one will win the fair lady's heart? Meanwhile, Jack and Victor are feeling depressed, and there's a new drug on trial at the health centre. They rehearse their scripts for when they get there to convince the doctor, but Jack's 'I'm depressed' face looks more like 'I'm constipated'.

Jack and Victor club together to out-bid Manky Franky to win themselves Danny's old motor. But their new freedom comes at a price, and will Tam, at long last, finally get his come-uppance?

Craiglang has never had it so good; everyone's suddenly come into money. There's rumours of a money-dealer newly arrived in Craiglang. Even Jack and Victor decide to get in on the action by buying stock market shares from Navid at the corner shop. Winston and Tam renew their feud with the local Neds, and decide the only way to solve things is to challenge them to a championship gold tournament: winner takes course!

The workies on the new building site are generating a lot of money for Craiglang's local economy - all of it flowing into the dubious hands of Vince Gallagher the Clydeside poisoner! Winston has a plan to take things into his own hands. With a major boost of Navid's shop being free while he's away on holiday, a turf war begins. There can be only one winner.

After an unusually expensive meal, Jack and Victor decide to take a literal trip down memory lane, when they visit a new exhibition in the city centre dedicated to the Glasgow of their childhood. They meet an old friend, Frank McCallum. But is he all that he appears to be?

Navid finds Pete 'the Jakey', Craiglang's answer to Barny Gumball, has been letting himself go, lately. It seems he's been going through the shopkeeper's rubbish for food. Is it, in fact, a giant rat, or is Pete plumbing every further depths of scabbydom? But soon he's seen in The Clansman clean-shaven and wearing a brand new suit. Has someone died, or is Pete suddenly involved in top-secret affairs of the state?

Isa's unwelcome husband returns once more. Jack and Victor have a major falling-out: Victor's son John is as distant and uncaring as ever, while Jack has warm tears in his eyes when his daughter Mary in Canada sends him a video tape of her and the weans. Things are compounded when Jack is invited to fly out to Canada to visit. Will Victor end up on the plane, or have our boys finally had enough of one another? And Winston agrees to pose as Isa's fiancé in order to ward off her husband - but how far is he willing to go to maintain the illusion?

Jack and Victor kick off series 3 in an opening episode that picks up where the last episode of series 2 left off - the boys are flying to Canada to visit Jack's family. The boys are having a time of it - with a belated dose of jetlag - and take in the marvels of Gutbusters, Niagra Falls, Ice Hockey and tacky souvenirs. Soon the time looms for them to come home - or is it? And, back in Craiglang, there's a new man in Isa's life...

Jack and Vic feel their lives have become routine to the point of redundancy. Does salvation lie in Glasgow University's course in Medicial Proficiency, or will the lure of a 75p pint be too much? Meanwhile, Boaby's losing customers and can't get his hole in a barrel of fannies. Can a quiz night and a lovely new barmaid be the answer to both problems?

Boaby bars Jack & Vic & Co. from the Clansman. Turning Osprey Heights into a mini Las Vegas, Tam wins Joe's motor-wheelchair. However, plans are afoot to win it back, while Winston's feud with the bookies reaches a hilarious climax...

The Neds (hooligans) begin a reign of terror in Craigland. Jack and Victor contact an old friend to come to town and take matters in his giant-sized hands. If they can just keep him away from the Miduri... Meanwhile, Winston's taking up a valued place at the local supermarket and suddenly finds that Craiglang has become a fair model for Sing Sing...

Archie (Sylvester McCoy), an old friend of J & V's, finally has to leave the place where he has been secluded for nearly half a century, never going outside. Now the council are knocking his place down, but are Jack and Victor the best guides to the new century? Winston is experimenting with turning his house into a cinema. Looks like the Towering Inferno's on at Osprey Heights...

For once Winston's complaint to the social office is genuine, and now has a foot that can stun even the most heartless of people into abject silence. Meanwhile, Jack devises a scheme to finally get the attention of his estranged son in Johannesburg. But things go wrong when he actually turns up to see his 'sick' father. Will things come to a climax, or will father and son remain more distant than ever?

Jack and Victor aren't sure what to make of it when one of their pals takes up with a woman half his age.

Jack and Victor take up residence in the hospital as DJs. Navid, however, is about to encounter a more pressing problem.

Jack and Victor succumb to the lure of the Dial-A-Bus, but this one doesn't stop where they expected.

Tam finally does the decent thing. He doesn't buy a pint; he decides to get married.