Simon returns to Reading and recalls a school project that led to him unearthing a terrible secret about his parents' marriage and his sister revealing some devastating news.

The Doonans plan a holiday abroad, but a plumbing disaster spoils everything. Meanwhile across the road, Kylie's father meets his match in the form of a snarling dog called Madonna. Warning: contains Bette Midler impersonations and a replica Eiffel Tower.

Simon is plagued by school bullies and decides to leave home to be with The Beautiful People. But as usual, nothing goes according to plan. Debbie, convinced that she's destined for stardom, becomes to talk of Melody Crescent. AS our favourite characters converge in the front room for Debbie's TV premiere, three questions remain: Will Kylie ever get out of the closet? Who is Puff Daddy's daddy? and... Will Simon meet his match?

Simon Doonan, now living in New York, remembers the time auditioning for the school play led to his mother being arrested for assault and the re-enactment of a famous horror film.

Simon remembers his mother's experiments with the occult and his grandmother's return from a mental hospital, which saw her change rather radically from the nicest granny in the world. Featuring conjoined twins and a bingo caller.

Birthdays have ever been easy for Simon, especially when the whole school finds out what he really really wants. Meanwhile, Ashlene meets a flasher and Aunty Hayley feels loved and a whole lot more.

A trip to the hairdresser and a fabulous pair of shimmering golden hair tongs prompts Simon's decision to turn Kylie into Princess Diana.

A new teacher arrives at school who really may be one of the Beautiful People. Can this really be true? Simon and Kylie finally try to leave Reading for ultra glamorous London. In New York older Simon gets homesick.

In 1998 Simon and Kylie form a pop band called E-male and hunky music teacher Mr. Carr offers to manage them. To Simon's surprise, when his Dad invites taciturn new neighbour Ross Kemp to dinner, he brings his significant other, who happens to be Mr. Carr. The two men have a big bust-up but Mr.Carr still takes Simon and Kylie to Birmingham for the Eurovision Song Contest. The boys get locked in a toilet and are rescued by contest winner Dana International, with whom they also appear, by accident, on stage. Simon grabs a plume from Dana's costume and years later it's still on his Mum's hat, though when he meets Dana again in the street she is not keen to reacquaint herself with him.

It's 1998, and Ground Force is at its height and Simon feels a desperate need for a water feature. Meanwhile, the women of Melody Crescent feel a desperate need to 'sloshercise' with hunky training instructor Tiger. Elaine Paige makes a stunning appearance in Simon's imagination. Warning: contains showtunes.

The Doonans go deep into the world of Brit Art when they meet rabble rouser Stacey Bile near the Kate Winslet memorial roundabout. This leads to several road accidents, imminent birth, blind ladies driving cars, and the Turner Prize. Meanwhile, Aunty Hayley has set herself up as a telephone astrologer with one rather obsessive client.

While at Kylie's, Simon steals one of Reba's dresses and tries it on back at home. Ashlene takes a Polaroid photo of him wearing it and threatens to show it to everyone unless he styles her hair to look like Heather Small's. Debbie finds the dress in the bin, assumes Reba is having an affair with Andy, and fights her in the street. Simon reveals that he took the dress. Debbie tries to quit drinking alcohol but starts again when Andy tells her she is boring when she is sober. Simon sees supposedly-vegan Hayley eating a burger and threatens to tell everyone. To keep him quite, she give him £30, which he spends on a vase that he has had his eye on for a long time.