With a giant asteroid expected to hit Earth on October 4th, the Onion News Network has announced it will continue broadcasting until the moment the planet is destroyed.

Cross Examination's Shelby Cross leads a crusade to rip through every home in America to search for missing one-year-old Baby Kate. In the FactZone, Brooke and the ONN team reveal an extremist obese society's foiled attempts to kidnap Michelle Obama and O'Brady Shaw takes a drunk driving victim's death so personally that the victim's family must take a break from their own grief to comfort O'Brady. In other news, reports show that the iPhone 5 will come conveniently packaged with rumors about the iPhone 6.

FactZone introduces its newest piece of technology: an updated touchscreen that Tucker can control with his mind. Unfortunately for Tucker, the new "Brainwall" starts to display Tucker's darkest thoughts. Also, O'Brady's compassion for stray earthquake victims goes a little too far, when he starts "mercifully" killing dogs to relieve them after the disaster. Brooke reports on a coma-bound Republican Presidential candidate who is polling surprisingly well due to his lack of politically disastrous gaffes, and Rapper Kanye West faces down the nation of Syria in a Twitter battle over who was chanting first.

FactZone says goodbye to legendary newsman, Brandon Armstrong, who was killed in a brothel fire. Shelby Cross admonishes parents not to let their children trick-or-treat during Halloween, or what she refers to as the "Pedophiles' Christmas." Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, asks the tough questions about a search and rescue mission's dismal chances of finding missing hikers and the First Responders react to the latest GOP debate, that they may or may not have even watched.

A revealing documentary airs on public television about Brooke Alvarez's secret life as a Russian child cosmonaut . Brooke is forced to relive the traumatizing experience of being trapped in a space shuttle with a vicious chimpanzee named Mr. Dmitry. Also, the U.S. government hires the genius behind Zico coconut water to try to help America out of its economic hole and a prostitute is caught paying Mitt Romney for sex.

The network morning show stages a very special takeover.

A report on sex in America.

The studio gains artificial intelligence and falls in love with Brooke, millions across the country are dangerously trapped in an Animal Hoarders marathon, and Jean Anne Whorton investigates the cruel underground blood sport of spouse fighting.

O'Brady Shaw joins Brooke on FactZone as her cohost to promote his new special "The Cries of the Children." A loud woman accountant is bothering the whole nation with her grating chatter. And a new weight loss drug is being released onto the market that curbs eating by making the user hallucinate that their food is a swarm of vicious, bloodthirsty monsters.

The gang looks back on 2011.

One of the network's beautiful reporters is kidnapped and Onion News Network leaps into action. Brooke Alvarez runs down the big stories of the day. Tucker Hope delivers the Daily Briefing on a high-tech screen.

Scandal erupts over a conservative senator's relationship with a horse. In the FactZone, Brooke Alvarez separates truth from lies so you don't have to waste time making up your own mind.

Brooke Alvarez oversees reporters from her vantage point in the FactZone.

After America suffers a cyber attack, Brooke Alvarez interviews top U.S. officials via satellite. If someone saw something, or allegedly did something, you'll see them on the FactZone.

Washington enters talks with the people of Real America. Whenever news happens, Brooke Alvarez is fearless in her pursuit of the truth, going to any length to bring America the news.

A predator drone plane stands trial in military court. Brooke Alvarez delivers a 30-minute nonstop news assault, covering politics, entertainment, science, and business news in the FactZone.

When Wall Street panics after a stock market crash, Brooke Alvarez explores the story in depth.

As America responds to news that the American Dream has died, Brooke Alvarez provides the news you need to survive in this terrible, frightening world.

FactZone celebrates five years of total news dominance. Brooke Alvarez tracks the top stories of the day. Millions of viewers tune in nightly to watch Alvarez, beautiful and well-informed.

A breaking news report reveals the president has been kidnapped. In the FactZone, Brooke Alvarez provides viewers with the latest news from around the world, except for the countries no one cares about.