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This story is very, very sad. Please do not watch it.

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A lonely milf is double-teamed by a naughty professor and a bad boy who's into pain. Hot asses, gaping holes and piles of sweaty bodies go wild, leading up to this season's explosive money shot.

Portal Potties, Time Tourists, and Tolerance.

Tommy endangers his entire class when he cannot solve a simple math problem. The Old Codger tells the tale of the Railroad Man while on an airplane flight, and news anchor Chip Chapley reports with the daily news while the apocalypse draws near.

Ultrasoldier is back and he's more ultra than ever. Bullets fly and tears cry as we learn his tragic ultra-origins. The newest gadget on the market has taken the world by storm - a pain-storm, that is.

Cory just wants to play video games. Cory's dad just wants him to clean the damn attic. Cory is mad lad. Dad is a tad sad. Lunk is rad, The Goblin Army is armor clad and fantastic adventures are ready to be had until things go bad.

Tonight's Top Story: Chip Chapley cheerfully chugs along at NVM News, while an alienated Abbie Babble attempts to address PainTech's plotting ploys to profiteer from people's pain.

You plan a break in, you do a break out, you go and join your buddies in the super hero house. An unhappy Abby Babble starts to scream and shout. Find out what it's all about.

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A mysterious number in a truck stop bathroom leads a scientist and a billionaire to the ends of the universe and back. Two online video pranksters explore the outer limits of embarrassment.

Turnbuckle terror taunts a troubled twosome as translucent, trophy-seeking toughs tussle off the top rope in a tournament of tortured-soul tenacity. Also, there's a haunted house.

Two former friends are pitted against each other amidst the throes of war; Hitler sets out to make a daring escape.

A cop on a bicycle chases down Douchey McGee. A ninja clan tries to steal an ancient dagger, but is intercepted by Hunk Fu. A janitor tells the tale of Coach Murphy who helped push a junior league baseball team all the way to nationals with his motivational letters.

Truck driver Monster Chuck decides to give wrestling a try. Carl applies to Humperdink University to keep his family tradition alive by becoming a porn star. Marcy ends up on a blind date with a horse, and the Constrictor contemplates his life choices as his career takes him down a dark path.

Hat Buddies and America's patriotic heroes, Star Stangled Bastard and Eagle.

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The Lord gets on board with a smorgasbord of chords, but Satan is waiting to hasten his fall from grace and complicating God's plan for concentrating on creating by baiting him into dating and mating.

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