Episode Rankings

1. #1 Fan Favorite
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   #1 - Virtual Sex Machine, Eternal Life, Fat Jedi

   S1:E15/26/2003

   You'll understand Martin's disturbed look once you find out what staff scientist Perry did with Marty's precious Virtual Sex Machine. Also on tonight's episode, Martin will learn the secret of eternal life from the venerable Alex Chiu and his death-defying rings. Plus, memorable moments in NASA history, singing squirrels, and some crazy fat kid swinging a stick. Don't miss one thrilling moment of our first episode ever!

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2. 

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   #2 - Girls Gone Wired, Hollow Earth, Gary Coleman

   S1:E25/27/2003

   It's only the second episode and ""Unscrewed"" is already bringing out the barely dressed beach babes. Wait till you see week eight! Also scheduled on tonight's show is a short man with big ideas about a race of beings who live at the center of the Earth, a disturbing voyage into the heart of bizarre Japanese Internet culture, some more singing rodents, and our very first game show with celebrity contestant Gary Coleman.

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3. 

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   #3 - His Holiness Rael, 10K for a Wife, Foul-Mouth Barney

   S1:E35/28/2003

   Rael, spiritual leader of the Raelians, is the byproduct of a romantic tryst between a human woman (mom) and a lusty little green man (dad) from a far-off planet. It's no surprise, then, that Rael chooses to walk around in an all-white jumpsuit and staunchly support human cloning. Anything less would be just plain weird. On tonight's show Martin catches up with ""His Holiness"" Rael as well as some guy who's offering $10,000 for a spouse. Also on the program is a Porn Tip with Judy, the Porn Mom, a visit from Scary Gary, and a rousing round of ""Female or She-Male?"" Get all the appropriate (and inappropriate) links below.

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4. 

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   #4 - Time-Traveling Dentist, Deep Throat Diva, Search for the Perfect Blender

   S1:E45/29/2003

   On tonight's oral-theme episode of ""Unscrewed,"" Martin travels through time with a deranged dentist and gets business tips from an online porn queen with a certain undeniable talent. Scroll down for further enlightenment on this evening's scheduled entertainment.

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5. 

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   #5 - Asia Carrera, Ouchy the Clown, Hack Your Enemies

   S1:E56/2/2003

   Now we're getting somewhere. Monday's episode of ""Unscrewed"" promises to be the best yet, with not one but two mind-blowing guests who are as sexy as they are strange. First up is Asia Carrera, porn star and geek goddess, who'll school Martin on gaming, gadgets, and the tech that turns her on. Following Asia is none other than Ouchy the Clown, the Web's premier provider of ""adult clown services."" Ouchy will be in-studio equipped with his whip, squeaky horns, and signature leather ""ballkini.""

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6. 

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   #6 - Remote Viewing with Major Doom, Porn Tip With Judy, Screw with Your Friends

   S1:E66/3/2003

   Major Ed Dames puts the ESP in espionage. For years, Dames worked as a remote viewer for the US government, tracking down enemy targets with the uncanny powers of his subconscious. Martin will put Dames's beautiful mind to the test on tonight's show. Also on the program, Kevin shares another evil ""dark tip,"" Martin goes back to the beach with the Girls Gone Wired, and Judy returns with another helpful Porn Tip. Get ready for the episode that Martin's calling, ""Our filthiest yet.""

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7. 

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   #7 - Fake Nude Celebs, Supersonic Bong, Porn Prose

   S1:E76/4/2003

   No, Gillian Anderson has never starred in an adult film alongside a goat. Those images you downloaded from KaZaA are something we in the industry call ""fake."" On tonight's show we'll talk with Ed Lake, the ""Fake Detective,"" about the best way to separate phony, Photoshopped pics from the real deal. Also on tonight's program, we have a device that gives you one more reason to become a pothead, tips on the best porn prose online, and a blood-soaked Internet game that puts the ""URL"" in hurl. Send the kids to bed, put the pets in the oven, and get ready for yet another history-making episode of ""Unscrewed.""

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8. 

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   #8 - Planet X, Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, Coke or Cleaner?

   S1:E86/5/2003

   Of all the television seasons during which the world can end, why does it have to be this one? ""Unscrewed"" is just getting off the ground. Martin just made the final payment on his Vespa. Laura can finally make it all the way to the office without calling three times for directions. And now -- wouldn't you know it? -- Planet X is ready to come crashing down and ruin it all! Watch tonight's show to learn how the unfortunate orbital path of a rogue ""10th planet"" will destroy the Earth and all its inhabitants in the next couple of months. Why haven't we heard about this? Hello! Vast international conspiracy! Also tonight, an interview with the legendary Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, a butt-smelling monkey, and a bunch of other ludicrous crappery. Don't miss it!

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9. 

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   #9 - Ghost Hunter Scott Herriott, Lizardman, Michio Kaku

   S1:E96/9/2003

   Scott Herriott is back. And he's pissed. OK, he's not exactly pissed, but he's sort of grumpy. Grumpy like a fox! Fine, foxes aren't grumpy, but the point is, Scott Herriott of ""Internet Tonight"" fame is joining ""Unscrewed"" as our in-house paranormal specialist, except for the fact that we won't let him in the house. Tonight, don't miss Scott's inaugural ghost-hunting safari to California's spookiest brewery, the Moss Beach Distillery. Plus, the Lizardman, Dr. Michio Kaku, a bunch of people hurting themselves, and the infamous ""Dark Tipper.""

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10. 

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    #10 - Crop Circles, Skipping Chicks, Teen Lingo

    S1:E106/10/2003

    Last summer's blockbuster thriller ""Signs"" made crop circles a household name, though it did little to ease the difficulty pronouncing M. Night Shyamalan. In the movie, the mysterious wheat wonders were created by a race of killer aliens. Tonight's guest, Marshall Masters, says that's a bunch of ""hooey!"" Sure, the crop circles were beamed down by aliens, but peaceful aliens who are trying to send us messages of love and friendship by destroying our food sources. Also on tonight's program: hot women skipping!

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    #11 - How to Be a Camwhore, Megaphone Messaging, Movie Poster Trivia

    S1:E116/11/2003

    Maddox fans, prepare to soil yourselves. The creator of The Best Page in the Universe will be on tonight's show to teach us the ins and outs of being a successful camwhore. Also on the program, Laura tortures her officemates with a novel form of instant messaging, Marty gets proof of life on Mars, and we play the latest new Internet craze: ""The Movie Poster Game.""

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    #12 - Dear Blog, The Smoking Gun, Roy Orbison in Plastic Wrap

    S1:E126/12/2003

    Tonight marks the first installment of ""Dear Blog,"" a recurring feature in which Martin poetically recites passages from your random weblogs. Trust us, it's funny. Also on the show, we check in with the muckraking menace-mongers behind The Smoking Gun, answer hate mail, and wrap a Roy Orbison impersonator in plastic wrap. All in a day's work for ""Unscrewed.""

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13. 

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    #13 - Poison's Bret Michaels, Stalk the Bush Twins, Fetish of the Week

    S1:E136/16/2003

    ""Unscrewed"" has a kung-fu death grip on the pulse of the American music scene. Our industry insiders tell us that washed-up '80s hair bands are hotter than ever, so we rushed out and booked Poison front man Bret Michaels to come on the show to play our addictive new game, Porn Site or Not a Porn Site? Catch the outrageous action on tonight's show. Also on the program, the Web-savvy stalker behind The First Twins, Martin reads another Dear Blog, and our first installment of Fancy Fetish of the Week featuring a bunch of creepy crackheads dressed like toddlers.

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14. 

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    #14 - Pastor Jack Exorcises Martin, Zero Sex Life, Japanese Hot Dog Art

    S1:E146/17/2003

    Prepare yourselves for the most outlandish ""Unscrewed"" episode to date. On Tuesday's program, Pastor Jack J. Stahl will attempt to exorcise Martin's many demons (pornography, alcohol, bad hair, etc.) through the transforming power of the music of Tom Jones. Yes, that Tom Jones. Plus, Marty interviews the only man more pathetic than himself, the webmaster behind Zero Sex Life. Then we'll carve some hot dogs. Don't be late.

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15. 

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    #15 - Martin's Stunt Host, Mysteries of the Time Cube, 'Search Sperts' With Cam Girls

    S1:E156/18/2003

    Hosting a late-night TV show on a channel with instant name recognition like TechTV can be dangerous work. The mobbing fans, the jilted lovers, the five-day pork rind binges to drown the loneliness -- it's all part of the package of being Martin Sargent. That's why Martin doesn't go anywhere without his stunt host, Dave Rubin. Also on the program, the infamous Gene Ray and his remarkable Time Cube; Search Sperts, our brand-new search engine game (played by dueling cam babes); and Laura outs Hollywood celebs who are not only gay, but ""very very gay.""

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    #16 - Laura Finds Her Man, Alien Implants Explained, Filter Your Farts

    S1:E166/19/2003

    Tonight, Marty plays matchmaker as he scours the 'Unscrewed' Personals for a suitable mate for the lovely, and inexplicably lonely, Laura Swisher. Plus, the truth about alien implants, a solution for your gaseous ass, and hallucinogenic condiments!

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    #17 - Crack Passwords Fast, Extreme Elvis Gets Naked, ABBA Clones

    S1:E176/23/2003

    Never before has so much evil been packed into one television program. On Monday's show the ""Dark Tipper,"" Kevin Rose, will unveil his most dangerous tip to date: a free piece of software that can crack any password on any website (even the naughty ones). We'll tell you more on Monday, but start drooling now. Also, let's not forget Monday's special musical guest (for real this time), Extreme Elvis: the nastiest, nakedest, most nauseatingest Elvis impersonator in the world. He's gonna sing, swear, and drop his drawers, whether you like it or not. And just so you know, you won't.

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    #18 - Inside Wifey's World, Martin Gets His 'Bling' on, He-Nail or She-Nail?

    S1:E186/24/2003

    If the execs of ""The Flintstones"" can pat themselves on the back for showing the first married couple sleeping in the same bed, then we deserve some serious props for tonight's show. Martin enters Wifey's World, a site run by a couple who record their action between the sheets and broadcast it for all the world to enjoy. Also on the program, Martin reads another Dear Blog, and Mr. Bling fits the ""Unscrewed"" hosts with a 24-karat smile.

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    #19 - Chemtrails That Kill, Old Men in Rubber, Judy's Porn Tip

    S1:E196/25/2003

    Harold Ivey is our type of old-timer. This 70-plus Southern gentleman spends his days wrapped in handmade, skin-tight, groin-enhancing, leather and rubber clothing. Just like grandpa used to wear. Learn more about Harold and his techniques for masculine mounding on tonight's program. Also on the show, Martin gasps in horror as he learns that ""harmless"" airplane contrails are actually part of a government plot to poison us all! Damn you, chemtrails! Damn you all to hell!

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    #20 - Voices From the Dead, Life of an International Assassin, Choppy the Chimp

    S1:E206/30/2003

    You may want to rewind that garbled message that's on your answering machine. It's possible that it's more than just a bad recording. It could very well be a message from someone beyond the grave trying to make contact. Scott Herriott heads to Reno to investigate the strange happenings. Also, former Interpol assassin, David ""Race"" Bannon joins Martin with tales of his wilder days.

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21. 

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    #21 - Martin's Bedroom, Conspiracy Theorist Jim Marrs, Birdie Diapers

    S1:E217/1/2003

    Despite what some of you seem to suggest with your email, phone calls, message board posts, petitions, picket lines, and assassination attempts, ""Unscrewed"" really is a technology show. To prove it, we've stuffed tonight's episode chock-full of hard-core, high-tech hijinks. You want the latest in technology news? We've got renowned conspiracy theorist Jim Marrs with hard proof of an alien invasion that occurred in 1897! You want brilliant scientific breakthroughs? Mark and Lorraine Moore utilized cutting-edge textiles and an interactive website to develop and market their wildly popular bird diaper! We've even got our research and development staff putting this clever contraption through rigorous testing. Because we're responsible journalists. We're legit. Too legit to quit. Plus, we'll show you how to navigate a brilliant new resource known as the information superhighway. Our first stops? High-quality entertainment (Martin's favorite game involving facial hair), inspirational images

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    #22 - Bizarre Bug Eating, Free Porn For All, Desktop Revenge

    S1:E227/7/2003

    A late-night talk show isn't a late-night talk show until somebody eats bugs. On Tuesday's show, ""Unscrewed"" gets its official stamp of approval when both Martin and Laura chomp down on some juicy arthropods with the president of the Bay Area Bug Eating Society (BABES). Also on tonight's show, Judy's most provocative Porn Tip, ""Dark Tipper"" gets desktop revenge, and a monkey drinks its own urine. How's that for family entertainment?

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    #23 - Martin's Biggest Fan, Ultimate Beer Chiller, Girls Gone Wired

    S1:E237/14/2003

    Be afraid. Be very afraid. Tonight, Martin meets his biggest fan, Dave Rich. (We're still trying to verify if this is his only fan.) This guy not only openly stalks Martin but also has a website dedicated to wooing our fearless host -- including love poems and a top 10 list of reasons Martin should become gay. Also on tap tonight, the Dark Tipper shows you how to get some use out of your old computer parts. And porn starlet Christine Allure shows us why she's the most connected gal on the Web.

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    #24 - Mind of Banachek, World of Dren, Moments in NASA History

    S1:E247/15/2003

    In order for a late-night show to be deemed ""legitimate,"" it must delve into the strange and inexplicable. Tonight, ""Unscrewed"" earns its wings. Mentalist Banachek will leave you yelling profanities at the screen while shouting ""How in the hell did he do that?"" It's OK. We have no freaking clue either. Prepare yourself for the impossible. Actually, we recommend that you simply sit back, pour an extra glass of beer, and enjoy. You're not smart enough to figure out his tricks. Also on the program, enter the world of Dren (talk about one whacked mutha) and meet our future president, Sara Anderson. Too bad she can't run for office until 2016. We could sure use her help now.

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    #25 - Alien Mind Control, Natural Porn, Stalking Sasquatch

    S1:E257/16/2003

    It's a weird, weird world out there. Why, even as I type these lines, aliens are infiltrating the minds of innocent people all around me, immobilizing them, controlling them, even persuading them not to wear protective headgear! Why are they targeting us? What are they planning? What did they do with Mulder's sister? Meanwhile, reasonably intelligent men and women of all ages are sacrificing staggering amounts of time, energy, and personal dignity to continue in their never-ending search for Sasquatch. What compels them to carry on? How does this legend survive, with so little in the way of supporting evidence? Why did ""Harry and the Hendersons"" ever make it to the big screen? Could this be yet another indication of alien influence? Tonight, ""Unscrewed"" takes a good, hard look at these questions, and completely fails to deliver anything in the way of a satisfactory answer. The truth may be out there, but it's not on this show. I don't know about you, but I'm blaming the aliens.

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