When a septuagenarian delicatessen owner reports he will be marrying Joan Crawford, the boys of the 53rd are sent out to bust the phony matrimonial service that promises to pair its clients with Hollywood movie stars.

Gunther and Lucille Toody give their landlord notice because they're fed up with their crumbling apartment.

After a chance traffic stop with Hugh Downs, Gunther finagles an appearance on the Jack Paar show of a fellow officer he thinks is funny.

The boys from the 53rd put on a Christmas review. Two Gilbert & Sullivan parodies featuring Capt. Block & Muldoon, a heart-tugging song from Toody, and other sketches.

Muldoon's the big expert on rules and regulations, but he's scared to take the test to become a sergeant.

Toody is feeling henpecked by Lucille, but musters the courage to become king of his castle after seeing a stirring performance of Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew."

Francis and Lucille get the wrong idea, while watching a steamy movie on TV, that each loves the other.

A fortune-telling scam ring mistakes Leo as royalty, and calls Sylvia with the news. Another mistake has the con artists convincing an undercover Toody that he's royalty, and Leo's his brother.

Lucille dyes her hair to get Gunther to notice her, and when he finally does, look out.

The boys recount what happened when Schnauser was taken off his mounted police route.

When the 53rd precinct Whippoorwills audition for Mitch Miller, it's clear which of the 4 is the problem, but who will tell Toody?

Sylvia Schnauser goes into delusional rapture when asked to plug cookies on television.

Gunther Toody drives the entire station batty chairing the committee to get everyone's favorite desk Sgt. Sol Abrams a surprise 25 year present. Toody keeps changing his little mind seeking the perfect gift, and insists on parliamentary procedure for meetings. Abrams' sore feet confine him to desk work, so he worries that it'll be 25 and out, if the brass find out how bad the precinct's sweetheart's hurting.

Muldoon discovers he's grown an inch to 6-foot-seven, putting him one inch over the police regulation and putting him over the edge with paranoia about his height.

The boys of the 53rd Precinct pull together to buy Captain Block the matching Aleutian Ceremonial Chair he desires to complete his set.

When a medical doctor sees similarities between two oxen yoked together for 10 years and Car 54's occupants, the boys try to behave out-of-sync, but fail.

Muldoon's sister Peggy lands a part in the play "Waiting for Wednesday" and the boys of the 53rd Precinct become financial backers before learning that it's a gritty play about police brutality.

The boys finally bust a nasty nuisance in the Park - "Pretzel Mary". When they see her deplorable living conditions they replace her furniture - not realizing what they're taking away.

After overhearing the Captain rehearsing a play in his office, the boys think he's a kleptomaniac! They "cover" for him by re-stealing all his Xmas presents. Can they make things right by the end of Christmas Eve?

In the pilot, the boys are desperate to angle for swordfish. After shift-swapping with the entire precinct and avoiding any issuance of tickets (to avert court duty), will they go?

The boys use extraordinary techniques to rehabilitate a recently released petty thief. Unfortunately, Benny has other ideas.

Toody convinces 'Tessie the Torso', a buxom sex-symbol, to stay at Francis's mother's house. It turns out, Muldoon is a huge fan.

A car thieving ring is using an auto body shop to paint stolen cars and resell them. The 53rd is down to only two patrol cars, so the boys are desperate to keep their beloved car 54. When it's damaged by a pulled-over driver, they take it to the same repair shop.

The boys are told to shut down a gypsy ripoff artist, and when they do, the gypsy puts a curse on Toody.

Toody is the only person who can appreciate Karpathia's abstract masterpiece, "Lower Manhattan at Sunset (from the New Jersey Side)." This episode features an inspired performance from Severn Darden.