Aulus is having troubled dreams and tries to have them interpreted. A tribe of female warriors demands a male sacrifice after their cheif's three daughters are de-flowered. The women lay seige to Aulus, Badvoc, Grasientus and Functio for over a month.

Aulus pledges to build a Roman road from Chelmsford to London but the proposed route goes straight through a brothel that is being run by Badvoc and his men and being frequented by Functio. Blagg makes a career change from Shepherd to Masseur.

Aulus tries to win over the Brits by doing an early morning walkabout and arranging a banquet. Grasientus buys poison from Wolfbane with a view to killing Badvoc. Aulus is dismayed when Grasientus is exposed as a poisoner... but then Badvoc and Aulus are found to be up to the same tricks.

Aulus is given the Governor's job as a suitable punishment for accidentally insulting the Holy Roman Emperors' girlfriend (a horse!). They arrive in England to a surprisingly warm welcome from the Brits but inadvertently upset them at the first night celebration.

Badvoc is kidnapped by two Triconi. Aulus decides to 'protect' Gargamadua. Badvoc outwits the Triconi and talks them into sending a ransom demand of 100 bags of gold to Aulus.

Aulus decides to liven up Chelmsford with the Festival of Saturnalia. As part of the revelry, a fool is made king for a day - and so the Romans naturally choose Badvoc.

A great heatwave hits Chelmsford, giving the Romans an opportunity for to top up their tans and Britons to die of thirst. It gets so bad that Badvoc has to cancel his annual bath.

Aulus' priceless statue of the heavenly twins is stolen by Badvoc. Confusion arises when he tries to get it back...

Aulus is depressed because Badvoc always runs rings around him. He consults with a psychiatrist and confronts his anger. Badvoc is arrested and sentenced to death. Aulus eventually relents but Badvoc convinces him to go ahead with the sentence.

Things are quiet in Chelmsford. Too quiet. Aulus hasn't heard anything of Badvoc for weeks, which can only mean one of two things; either Aulus has gone deaf or Badvoc is up to something.

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Badvoc attempts to relieve Aulus Paulinus of a priceless ring and use it to exact sexual favours, incurring the wrath of the governor's wife Marcella.

Aulus' repulsive right-hand man Grasientus, winner of 'The Ugliest Git in the Empire', falls in love with a beautiful British girl. The problem is Aulus also desires her hand - and other bits as well...