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The Worst Episodes of Son of the Beach

Every episode of Son of the Beach ranked from worst to best. Explore the Worst Episodes of Son of the Beach!

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A parody of "Baywatch" featuring Malibu Adjacent's Notch Johnson, the world's greatest lifeguard (hardly), and his unit SPF-30.

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  1. #1 Worst Episode
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    Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 4 - Three Days of the Condom
    6.2/10(30 votes)

    #1 - Three Days of the Condom

    S3:E4

    When Notch's gang finds out that B.J. has gone missing from her D.C. internship, the gang travels to D.C. to find her. Having almost given up, Notch and the SPF-30 finally get their BJ, who is alive but has amnesia and that she is pregnant. Notch questions her employer, Congressman George Bukaki, and soon his unit is embroiled in a government conspiracy. Back home, Chip must try to stop a purse-snatcher at the annual Lez-Aid Faire, where Porcelain is scheming to get famous by playing for the other team.

    Director:Unknown
    Writer:Reid Harrison

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  2. Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 6 - The Gay Team
    6.3/10(26 votes)

    #2 - The Gay Team

    S3:E6

    A villain named ""Heinous Anus"" (RuPaul) is making young men disappear from the beach, and they are all ending up in a place called ""Gaytrix"". Chip ends up being captured by Heinous Anus and taken to the Gaytrix so that he turn him gay and clone him. Notch's army buddy (Alan Thicke) knows where Chip is and how to get there and sends Notch to go after him. Meanwhile, Porcelain's marriage heats up because of a scheme thought up by B.J. and Jamaica.

    Director:Scott McAboy
    Writer:Unknown

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  3. Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 1 - Penetration Island
    6.4/10(39 votes)

    #3 - Penetration Island

    S3:E1

    Notch and the gang head to the Island of Bulimia by Tex Finklestein at ""UBM"" wanting higher ratings. When they get there, they are to play ""Penetration Island"", where the grand prize is $1,000,00. While everyone is being tempted or seducted by their temptress or temptor, Dirty Sanchez and his gang of Bulimians are on the island and start killing the temptors and temptresses, trying to get their island back. After being thought he was dead by everyone, Notch and an escaped Porcelain come to save the day as Dirty Sanchez is about to kill off SPF-30. Afterwards after Notch is shot by Sanchez and his gang, the scene is shown as a scripted part, then revealing that everyone is still alive.

    Director:Tim Andrew
    Writer:Unknown

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  4. Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 8 - Hamm Stroker's Suck My Blood
    6.4/10(34 votes)

    #4 - Hamm Stroker's Suck My Blood

    S3:E8

    When foreign lifeguards start getting killed at the Lifeguard of the Year Convention, Notch is forced to watch over his Israeli counterpart, Noccus Johnstein.

    Director:Tim Andrew
    Writers:James R. Stein, Timothy Stack

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  5. Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 5 - Witness for the Prostitution
    6.5/10(29 votes)

    #5 - Witness for the Prostitution

    S3:E5

    Notch is honored at the State Univeristy College of Malibu Adjacent (S.U.C.M.A., home of the Cocks) with the opening of a lavatory science building named after him. But all is not well. After a lifeguard group therapy session (with Chappy as therapist!), Ellen comes in with the news that she's been fired from her job as house mother at the I Eta Pi sorority, where a sister named Tiffany recently committed suicide. Notch smells something fishy, and SPF-30 swings into action: Chip and B.J. accompany Ellen on a stakeout while Porcelain and Jamaica go undercover at the sorority as pledges. Sorority leader Mandy almost immediately offers Porcelain a job working for I Eta Pi's escort service, but she and Jamaica soon find out that the sorority is running a forced prostitution ring, with the knowledge and guidance of the university's Dean Faraday. Notch and the gang rescue the girls before they can be harmed.

    Director:Tim Andrew
    Writer:Unknown

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  6. Son of the Beach Season 2 Episode 7 - Chip's a Goy
    6.6/10(35 votes)

    #6 - Chip's a Goy

    S2:E7

    Needing some R&R, the Gang heads to the tranquil Middle East. Their visit with Notch's Israeli counterpart, Noccus Johnstein, is cut short, however, when evil terrorist group HUMMUS kidnaps Notch. Can the Gang save their fearless leader, or will HUMMUS crush them like so many chickpeas? In the meantime, Chip falls in love with Noccus' daughter, Chcch, and agrees to convert to Judaism. He soon finds this means giving up much more than he bargained for.

    Director:Scott McAboy
    Writer:Unknown

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  7. Son of the Beach Season 2 Episode 12 - The Sexorcist
    6.6/10(34 votes)

    #7 - The Sexorcist

    S2:E12

    Jamaica has just come back from her vacation and came back with gifts, including a bottle that everyone was afraid of when she was there. Jamaica gives the bottle to B.J. and she opens it and becomes possessed by the devil. Notch has to overcome his past failure at exorcising and get the devil out of B.J. and keep him from repossessing her. Meanwhile, the Mayor's knack for sexually harassing Chip threatens her career when an uptight reporter, with political aspirations of her own, gets wind.

    Director:Unknown
    Writer:Unknown

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  8. Son of the Beach Season 2 Episode 14 - Area 69
    6.6/10(35 votes)

    #8 - Area 69

    S2:E14

    When B.J. is impregnated and then abducted, Notch knows that there's trouble afoot. And when his old Vietnam/F.B.I. buddy Captain Enteneille warns Notch to stay off B.J.'s case, Notch knows that it's time to search for the truth. He and Kimberlee head to the famous secret desert installation, Area 69, where Notch learns more than he bargained for. Back in Malibu Adjacent, Chip and Professor Milosevic enter a local talent contest and are signed by a TV network executive to star in a situation comedy. Hilarity ensues.

    Director:John Putch
    Writers:James R. Stein, Timothy Stack

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  9. Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 11 - The Long Hot Johnson
    6.6/10(34 votes)

    #9 - The Long Hot Johnson

    S3:E11

    Notch's old wet nurse Aunt Jizzy and company come to him with stories of Klan activity in South Malibu Adjacent and a scheme led by the notorious Bull Cracker to cheat them out of their homes. So Notch joins the all-white South Malibu Adjacent Country Club to find out the truth. But he doesn't make the smartest move by taking Jamaica along with him posing as his fiance! Bull and his boys are about to make a move on Notch, Jamaica and Kimberlee, but they are rescued by a couple of unlikely allies, Bull's wife Pussy Willow and Porcelain. Also, Chip and B.J. try to help out by going undercover as a married brother and sister.

    Director:Tim Andrew
    Writer:Unknown

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  10. Son of the Beach Season 2 Episode 1 - B.J. Blue Hawaii
    6.7/10(46 votes)

    #10 - B.J. Blue Hawaii

    S2:E1

    Notch gets honored by the Hawaiian Tropic so he and the gang go to Hawaii. Notch meets up with an old friend and discovers that his daughter is a drug lord growing Marijuana, Cocaine, Methadone, and Hashish so he and Kimberlee team up to stop her. Meanwhile, Jamaica and B.J. enter a Miss Hawaiian Tropic Contest. Also, Chip pretends that he is gay to get the mayor to stop trying to get him in bed.

    Director:Tim Andrew
    Writer:Unknown

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  11. Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 2 - Saturday Night Queefer
    6.7/10(35 votes)

    #11 - Saturday Night Queefer

    S3:E2

    Johnny Queefer returns to town to take on his dreams of becoming a broadway star. Johnny dances at one point with Porcelain and drops her and she cuts open her breasts and all the saline squirts out. Because of this, Notch bans all dancing and Kimberlee quits the force because she feels that Notch's rule is unfair. Johnny still wants to persue his dreams of becoming a broadway dancer so he enters a contest and Kimberlee becomes his dance partner. Notch faces his past of dancing and teaches Johnny and Kimberlee some of his ""moves"" just before the contest so they can have a clear shot at winning. Only the guy who cheated Notch years ago has come back with his son to challenge Johnny, with Porcelain as his partner.

    Director:Scott McAboy
    Writers:James R. Stein, Timothy Stack

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  12. Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 3 - In the Line of Booty
    6.7/10(26 votes)

    #12 - In the Line of Booty

    S3:E3

    Someone tries to kill rapper Larry ""Biggy"" Little, and Jamaica's new rapper boyfriend is blamed.

    Director:Scott McAboy
    Writer:Unknown

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  13. Son of the Beach Season 2 Episode 3 - Remember Her Titans
    6.8/10(35 votes)

    #13 - Remember Her Titans

    S2:E3

    Jamaica's boyfriend has a problem with gambling, and is majorly in debt. Since Jamaica's boyfriend doesn't have the money, he is told by the bookie that he will let it slide if he throws the game. When he doesn't agree, he breaks his leg so that he can't play. Notch decides that he will fill in for him at the game and he is allowed to fill in for him because he never finished high school. Meanwhile, Kody's father comes to Malibu Adjacent from the U.K. to ask Kody to go back and live with him.

    Director:Scott McAboy
    Writers:James R. Stein, Timothy Stack

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  14. Son of the Beach Season 2 Episode 10 - It's Showtime at the Apollo 13!
    6.8/10(27 votes)

    #14 - It's Showtime at the Apollo 13!

    S2:E10

    Jamaica is chosen as the first black lifeguard in space aboard the shuttle <em>Catastrophe</em>; Notch goes undercover at the Robert Downey, Jr. Senior High School when a student hacks into the shuttle computer and endangers the mission.

    Director:Scott McAboy
    Writer:Unknown

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  15. Son of the Beach Season 2 Episode 11 - The Island of Dr. Merlot
    6.8/10(28 votes)

    #15 - The Island of Dr. Merlot

    S2:E11

    B.J. and Notch crashes on an island while riding in his airplane, Dr. Merlot decides to make them his throphys.

    Director:John Putch
    Writers:James R. Stein, Timothy Stack

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  16. Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 7 - You Only Come Once
    6.8/10(28 votes)

    #16 - You Only Come Once

    S3:E7

    Stinkfinger wants revenge on the people of the world because he didn't get workman's compensation because of an explosion that occured where he was working and he seeks revenge by trying to control the weather around the world. Notch's friend comes to help as Kimberlee, Porcelain, and Notch try to foil Stinkfinger's evil plan. Meanwhile, Jamaica finds out that her mom is a TV talkshow host named ""Okra"" and that she had abandoned Jamaica when she was little and wants her back. Later on, Okra becomes injured in a car accident caused by icy roads and Jamaica donates one of her kidneys to her so she can stay alive.

    Director:Unknown
    Writers:Joe Port, Joe Wiseman

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  17. Son of the Beach Season 1 Episode 6 - Fanny and the Professor
    6.9/10(41 votes)

    #17 - Fanny and the Professor

    S1:E6

    The Mayor with help from The Professor, plot to take over Notch's job and the beach with three beautiful robot lifeguards.

    Director:Scott McAboy
    Writer:Unknown

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  18. Son of the Beach Season 2 Episode 13 - Grand Prix
    7.0/10(34 votes)

    #18 - Grand Prix

    S2:E13

    Notch must defend the honor of America in a three-quarter midget car race vs. a man from France. The Frenchman, who goes by the nickname ""The Frenchman"", is married to Notch's old flame, a beautiful French maiden named Nicorette. After her reappearance on the scene, Notch realizes she's a hard habit to break. Meanwhile, B.J. and Jamiaca help save a lesbian bar from going under.

    Director:Scott McAboy
    Writers:Joe Port, Joe Wiseman

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  19. Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 12 - Taco Lips Now (1)
    7.0/10(33 votes)

    #19 - Taco Lips Now (1)

    S3:E12

    In a flashback to Notch's war days, we see how his commanding officer Colonel Kooze ""improperly disposed of"" the village of Tam Pon. Kooze implores Notch to ""never tell"" about this atrocity. Later Notch sees the guilty colonel hanging from a tree, having apparently commited suicide. Back in the present, Notch's brother Harry Johnson has arrived at Malibu Adjacent. His secret past begins to catch up with Notch, and he is questioned by reporters about the incident at Tam Pon. This leads to his arrest, and as he's being taken into custody, Notch can hardly believe his eyes--in the distance he sees Col. Kooze! Also, Porcelain marries the decrepit old multi-millionaire Nick ""Snuggles"" Pappasmearos so she can inherit his money, but she'll have to contend with his family, including Nick Jr.

    Director:Unknown
    Writer:Unknown

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  20. Son of the Beach Season 1 Episode 7 - Eat My Muffin
    7.1/10(41 votes)

    #20 - Eat My Muffin

    S1:E7

    When BJ muffs a save, she goes into an identity crisis and ends up in the care of The Divine Rod, who runs a home for lost women. And runs a web-site where people pay to watch the women, and Rod, um, ""treating"" them. Under Notch's direction, Kimberlee infiltrates the cult and snatches it's secret: psychotropic-drug-laced bran muffins. Realizing that BJ is under someone else's control, the bran muffins move Notch into action. Meanwhile, the Tetherball Invitational Tournament is in town, and the Mayor's bet that the gang can win.

    Director:Unknown
    Writers:James R. Stein, Timothy Stack

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  21. Son of the Beach Season 2 Episode 6 - Light My Firebush
    7.1/10(37 votes)

    #21 - Light My Firebush

    S2:E6

    Notch hires his half Indian sister as a life guard and uses savages techniques to help the beach. B.J. is reunited with her mother Ima Cummings. But her (step) daddy butts in her life and threatens B.J. and Ima's lives.

    Director:Tim Andrew
    Writers:Joe Port, Joe Wiseman

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  22. Son of the Beach Season 2 Episode 15 - Booger Nights
    7.1/10(29 votes)

    #22 - Booger Nights

    S2:E15

    Quotes: Notch: ""Here's a picture of my head. And here's a picture of my face.""

    Director:Scott McAboy
    Writers:James R. Stein, Timothy Stack

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  23. Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 9 - Godfather Knows Best
    7.1/10(29 votes)

    #23 - Godfather Knows Best

    S3:E9

    Jamaica is shocked when Vinnie Fellachio claims to be the father she has never known.

    Director:Scott McAboy
    Writer:Unknown

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  24. Son of the Beach Season 3 Episode 10 - Empty the Dragon
    7.1/10(32 votes)

    #24 - Empty the Dragon

    S3:E10

    Notch travels to Japan with Kimberlee, Chip and Porcelain for the Nagasaki Fried Chicken (NFC) Karaoke Championships. To Porcelain's dismay, the blonde Kimberlee gets all the attention from the press. Notch gets involved with Binaka, whose crazed vegetarian father has concocted a formula that turns a chicken into a giant beast which is rampaging through Tokyo. The giant chicken captures Kimberlee and things look grim when the Japanese troops prepare to blast the big animal, but Notch comes to the rescue. Also, Chip visits a geisha house, where he gets a big, unexpected surprise.

    Director:Tim Andrew
    Writer:Unknown

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  25. Son of the Beach Season 1 Episode 4 - Love, Native American Style
    7.2/10(42 votes)

    #25 - Love, Native American Style

    S1:E4

    Notch is distraught when his step-father, local Indian Chief Pokemon, passes on, and a local casino developer convinces the Kahonee Tribe to construct a casino on their land. Although the deal's crooked, Notch is no Indian giver, and he seeks a legal way to halt construction. Also, Chip's South American relatives need money, so Chip moonlights as a male stripper.

    Director:Scott McAboy
    Writer:Unknown

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Worst Episodes Summary

"Three Days of the Condom" is the worst rated episode of "Son of the Beach". It scored 6.2/10 based on 30 votes. Directed by Unknown and written by Reid Harrison, it aired on 7/9/2002. This episode scored 0.1 points lower than the second lowest rated, "The Gay Team".