I have been asked to tell you a bit about tonight's Kenny Everett Television Show. Well, what can I say ? It's a show that could change and illuminate our lives and yet, in its sheer insignificance, demands to be ignored. A show that asks the questions we all long to ask and yet makes no attempt to tell us who the guests are. Suffice to say the show tonight is about a half an hour.

This is the last of the present series and features Kenny with another array of star guests who include Susan George, Lulu, Billy Connolly, Cannon and Ball, a cardboard replica of Michael Parkinson, plus Gizzard Puke, Sid Snot , Marcel Wave and that delectable film star Cupid. The whole thing adds up to a bumper bundle of fun... You have been reading a straightforward RADIO TIMES blurb.

Once again Kenny introduces a galaxy of international superstar guests, including Joanna Lumley , Billy Connolly , Richard Johnson , Toyah, Madness, Bill Wyman , Lionel Blair , Terry Wogan , Britt Ekland. Yes, all these and more but not necessarily in tonight's show.

Do you have the feeling you have read this before ? You probably have. It's RADIO TIMES blurb no 1678 - fill in name as required.

On this, the first show of an eight-part series, Kenny gets involved in many different and exciting situations while playing many different and exciting roles. He will also be doing some very different and exciting characters and introducing numerous different and exciting sketches which are filled with different and exciting surprise guests. The two words which best sum up the show are - really great.

Why did Beau D'Iddley and his brothers join the Foreign Legion ? Who put Moira Anderson in the mincing machine ? Who is the rightful owner of Jimmy Hill's chin, and is the gossip too hot ?

Tonight finds Kenny in a relaxed mood and going out on the town to really enjoy himself -and why not, these shows were taped weeks ago, so now he can do whatever he likes ... you didn't think they were live, did you???

Having received your special glasses you're now ready to enjoy this special 3-D edition of The Kenny Everett Television Show. You'll thrill to the special visual effects as Kenny comes flying right through the screen and into your living rooms, makes a cup of tea in your very own kitchen and leaves - because he's already seen the show. Hope you enjoy it. Now turn to page 48 for your free 3-D photograph... By the way, your flies are open.

If you're looking for political comment, social commitment and cerebral involvement, our sympathies are with you and we hope you find the programme you're looking for, because this isn't it.

Why are you reading this blurb ? Haven't you got anything better to do with your life ? Don't you realise there are important things going on in the world and all you seem to be interested in is what Kenny Everett is doing tonight on his show ? You should be ashamed of yourself. On the other hand you are our viewer and we love you. Don't you worry about the world, it'll take care of itself.

Tonight Kenny Everett returns with the first show of a new series of fun and frolics all designed to keep you in stitches for the next eight weeks. What's that I hear you say ? You couldn't care less! So what!!! Neither do we... You seem like an intelligent person. Why don't we have lunch sometime ?

Tonight marks the second show in a series of eight which means it contains one sixth of the total laughs of the series. If you feel that the show had more than its allotted quota of laughs, please send the extra laughs, in a plain brown envelope, to the BBC Television Centre where they will be distributed to less fortunate shows.

It's not every day a show like this takes to the air. No, just on Thursdays, so you've got the rest of the week free. I mean, we could be on every night, then where would you be ? But I know you love the show and so do I. You see, I'm always out on Thursday night, so you're on your own.

See Kenny discover the source of the Nile! See him wrestle to the death with a BBC steak and kidney pudding! See-saw Margery Daw! Never before in the history of visual television has one man achieved so much on behalf of so few, and talking of ratings don't miss the finale aboard HMS Wogan when a cast of thousands gives Kenny a 25 torpedo salute. Hooked eh ? Quick, run the film before they go away.

Hi! Kenny Everett here with a personal message to all you out there in viewing land! Now, I don't want to prejudice you in any way about tonight's show but please remember I love animals and children and I have mortgaged my house and my wife so that you can see tonight's show in colour. The BBC thought black and white was more me but I fought them to the last bribe. So why not watch me - gentleman, scholar and all round good egg - tonight. (Do you think they'll swallow that ?)

Guest stars: Lionel Blair, Lennie Bennett, Alfred Marks, Su Pollard and Frank Thornton; Musical guests: The Stranglers

Guest stars: Alfred Marks and Su Pollard; Musical guests: Chas & Dave

Kenny returns with the answers to some searching questions. Where are Molly's sugar tongs ? Has the colonel really gone to Venice for the marathon ? Why was the celery inside the offertory box ? Watch tonight and you could win a tattoo voucher.

Why was the ostrich in the Jacuzzi ? Who was the stranger with the commode ? Where did Madge leave the chain saw ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a weekend in a lift with Bernard Manning and Nicholas Parsons.

What was in the bishop's posing pouch ? Where was David Bellamy when the lights went out ? Is the colonel really Bananarama ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a weekend.

Why did Gerald climb the au pair ? What were the Morris dancers doing behind the bottle bank ? Is Vivian's moustache really a tax dodge ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less.

Where is the paper clip ? Why is Mr Universe in the waste disposal ? Whose are the socks in the wok ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a verruca kit.

Why was the vicar breakdancing in the vestry ? Who left a jelly in the micro wave ? Where is Mrs Gwenlan's sub-machine gun ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a holiday at home.

Are the Nolans still in the car boot ? Where is the male nurse's theodolite ? Who braised the gerbil ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a pop-up Rusty Lee.

Which of the Thompson Twins took the lip salve ? What was the cobra doing in the quiche ? Where is Mrs Latimer's scrum cap ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a digital truss.