Tonight finds Kenny in a relaxed mood and going out on the town to really enjoy himself -and why not, these shows were taped weeks ago, so now he can do whatever he likes ... you didn't think they were live, did you???

Having received your special glasses you're now ready to enjoy this special 3-D edition of The Kenny Everett Television Show. You'll thrill to the special visual effects as Kenny comes flying right through the screen and into your living rooms, makes a cup of tea in your very own kitchen and leaves - because he's already seen the show. Hope you enjoy it. Now turn to page 48 for your free 3-D photograph... By the way, your flies are open.

If you're looking for political comment, social commitment and cerebral involvement, our sympathies are with you and we hope you find the programme you're looking for, because this isn't it.

Why are you reading this blurb ? Haven't you got anything better to do with your life ? Don't you realise there are important things going on in the world and all you seem to be interested in is what Kenny Everett is doing tonight on his show ? You should be ashamed of yourself. On the other hand you are our viewer and we love you. Don't you worry about the world, it'll take care of itself.

Tonight Kenny Everett returns with the first show of a new series of fun and frolics all designed to keep you in stitches for the next eight weeks. What's that I hear you say ? You couldn't care less! So what!!! Neither do we... You seem like an intelligent person. Why don't we have lunch sometime ?

Tonight marks the second show in a series of eight which means it contains one sixth of the total laughs of the series. If you feel that the show had more than its allotted quota of laughs, please send the extra laughs, in a plain brown envelope, to the BBC Television Centre where they will be distributed to less fortunate shows.

It's not every day a show like this takes to the air. No, just on Thursdays, so you've got the rest of the week free. I mean, we could be on every night, then where would you be ? But I know you love the show and so do I. You see, I'm always out on Thursday night, so you're on your own.

See Kenny discover the source of the Nile! See him wrestle to the death with a BBC steak and kidney pudding! See-saw Margery Daw! Never before in the history of visual television has one man achieved so much on behalf of so few, and talking of ratings don't miss the finale aboard HMS Wogan when a cast of thousands gives Kenny a 25 torpedo salute. Hooked eh ? Quick, run the film before they go away.

Hi! Kenny Everett here with a personal message to all you out there in viewing land! Now, I don't want to prejudice you in any way about tonight's show but please remember I love animals and children and I have mortgaged my house and my wife so that you can see tonight's show in colour. The BBC thought black and white was more me but I fought them to the last bribe. So why not watch me - gentleman, scholar and all round good egg - tonight. (Do you think they'll swallow that ?)

Guest stars: Lionel Blair, Lennie Bennett, Alfred Marks, Su Pollard and Frank Thornton; Musical guests: The Stranglers

Guest stars: Alfred Marks and Su Pollard; Musical guests: Chas & Dave

Kenny returns with the answers to some searching questions. Where are Molly's sugar tongs ? Has the colonel really gone to Venice for the marathon ? Why was the celery inside the offertory box ? Watch tonight and you could win a tattoo voucher.

Why was the ostrich in the Jacuzzi ? Who was the stranger with the commode ? Where did Madge leave the chain saw ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a weekend in a lift with Bernard Manning and Nicholas Parsons.

What was in the bishop's posing pouch ? Where was David Bellamy when the lights went out ? Is the colonel really Bananarama ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a weekend.

Why did Gerald climb the au pair ? What were the Morris dancers doing behind the bottle bank ? Is Vivian's moustache really a tax dodge ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less.

Where is the paper clip ? Why is Mr Universe in the waste disposal ? Whose are the socks in the wok ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a verruca kit.

Why was the vicar breakdancing in the vestry ? Who left a jelly in the micro wave ? Where is Mrs Gwenlan's sub-machine gun ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a holiday at home.

Are the Nolans still in the car boot ? Where is the male nurse's theodolite ? Who braised the gerbil ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a pop-up Rusty Lee.

Which of the Thompson Twins took the lip salve ? What was the cobra doing in the quiche ? Where is Mrs Latimer's scrum cap ? Watch Kenny tonight and learn the answers to these questions and less. And you could win a digital truss.

The snow is falling in gentle flakes, the gaslight is flickering on ancient mantles, and Charles Dickens is spinning in his grave. Tonight Kenny presents his salute to the master's Christmas Carol with Michael Barrymore. Peter Cook, Spike Milligan, Willie Rushton, John Wells and surprise guests, who appear as ghosts and other almost earthly beings.

High drama at D'Iddley Manor when the lights go out and Lady D'Iddley's precious stone - the 'Pahsing Water' - disappears. Kenny gets a taste of 3D television and Hot Gossip begin to feel the cold.

What has brought Reg Prescott out of his workshop and into the kitchen ? What are Hot Gossip up to at the Masquerade ? And how do you tell the difference between African and Indian elephants ?

Will Sid Snot find a new job ? Why is Kenny in jail ? Just two of the questions answered in tonight's show.

In tonight's show, handy hints from the potting shed with Reg Prescott. An automatic vending machine that's not all it's cracked up to be, and even more astrological predictions from our friend Russell.

Kenny hosts the dino pizza challenge, puts the world in focus and complains to Barry Took when Hot Gossip behave like animals.