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A weekend in the Garnett household is punctuated with rows, and the protagonist is generally Alf. Whether it is politics, family, drink or football, he has an opinion that is shared by very few - least of all his long-suffering wife Else and his son-in-law Mike.

Arguments, Arguments...

Alf does not realise that Mike has drawn a face on his bald head while he was asleep and wanders off to the pub.

Hair Raising

It is Else and Alf's twenty-fifth wedding anniversary though Alf has forgotten and it is left to Mike to give him a present to pass on to his wife, not that Alf is grateful. Mike and Rita take Alf and Else to dinner at a fancy place in the West End. But Alf gets drunk and Mike discovers he doesn't have enough money for the bill.

A House with Love In It

Alf's racist outbursts lead to his receiving a black eye at a cup final match in Scotland.

Intolerance

Mike tries to convince Alf to sell the house and buy a new larger modern house. However, Alf later learns his plans involve Mike having the title deeds.

Two Toilets? ... That's Posh!

Mike's Irish parents are staying with the Garnetts, much to Alf's annoyance.

From Liverpool with Love

The Garnetts drive to Cornwall for a holiday in an isolated old cottage.

Claustrophobia

Christmas lunch in the Garnett household is anything but peaceful as it turns into a debate of politics, the Monarchy, the Monarchy's politics, religion, whether there is a heaven or hell, the fuel to burn the Christmas pudding and a trip to the hospital for Alf to remove a coin he has swallowed accidentally eventually follows in the episode "In Sickness and in Health".

Peace and Goodwill

Redecorating the living room leads on to discussions of sexual mores, including suspicions that Mike and Rita had premarital sex. They convince Rita's parents that they didn't, but as soon as they leave the room, Mike and Rita begin laughing, leaving this debate open-ended. Else then reminds Alf that he attempted sex with her before they were married. A discussion with Wally the Milkman leads on to a discussion about the existence of God, to which Mike denies His existence. After Alf is left alone to complete the wallpapering, he realises that he has accidentally left the wallpaper strips too short. Later, he pays a local decorator to complete the job while the rest of the family are out. When Else comes back, she then decides she doesn't like the floral pattern she herself chose, and Alf storms out, insisting "I'm going down the pub!" before returning moments later realising he has no more money, having paid the local decorator £8 10s.

Sex Before Marriage

The two men of the household make pledges to give up smoking after Mike catches a cold and is left coughing because of his smoking a cigarette and that of his father-in-law smoking a pipe. It's every man for himself as whoever loses must pledge the savings they make from not smoking to their respective spouses and Mike begins enjoying his new found healthiness from giving up smoking. Alf, however, struggles and is left tempted by both Harold Wilson seen smoking a pipe on TV (a popular image that Wilson cultivated) and Rita and Else both still smoking. Then Alf has a brainwave and makes sure the rest of the household see him smoking his pipe, claiming he is being patriotic by smoking, his logic being that by smoking, he is paying extra tax to support British public services. He takes Else out to dinner on his savings from temporarily giving up smoking. For once, the tables are turned on Mike and Rita, who are both left speechless.

I Can Give it Up Any Time I Like

A visit by people collecting for a Vietnam War victims charity leads to a debate about war – the Vietnam, Second and First World Wars – only then resulting in Alf opening up a world map and showing his complete lack of knowledge of where Russia and even Asia is. This, naturally, is down to the Labour Government for giving away the British Empire. When questioned whether he supports the causes for all three of those wars, he claims to support the causes of the First and Second World Wars, citing his time out in the deserts of North Africa for the Second. Then a lorry parks outside, blocking the sunlight entering the Garnett living room window. An argument erupts between Alf and the lorry driver, with the lorry driver refusing to move. When he thinks no-one is looking, he lets the tyres on the lorry down, only to be overlooked by a lorry driver and a policeman. The policeman hands him a tyre pump, to which Alf reluctantly obeys. So much for the bulldog breed!

The Bulldog Breed

Mike is certainly crowing when he loses his job – not that that is anything to be pleased about – but the Government have just announced an increase in Unemployment Benefit payments. Combined with having to pay Alf £1 a week rent yet claiming £5 a week national assistance for rent, Mike is pleased with the profit he is making, until he is told by a friend that these things are checked up on. When he gets home, Mike is behaving unusually friendly towards Alf, but Rita sees right through him. He then reveals why his attitude has changed – he is wanting to curry favour with his father-in-law and landlord so that Alf will not report Mike to the authorities.

Caviar on the Dole

Alf returns home late, after doing overtime to find no fire, no family and no food. The family, it turns out, have been out to the cinema, Rita and Else arrive back without Mike in tow, who it is revealed is at a local fish and chip shop for the three of them, leaving out Alf. Rita surmises that if Alf were to call the chip shop from the local phone box (many households, including the Garnett household, in the late 1960s, were not connected up to the national telephone network, relying on calls made from and received in local call boxes), he might get through in time before Mike places the three orders – Mike is queuing to place the orders.

A Woman's Place is in the Home

A picture of the Duke of Windsor, the former King Edward VIII, leads to Alf praising the former King for being "the greatest monarch the country ever had". He then goes on to claim that his father and the former King used to drink regularly at The Royal Crown pub, where he claims they were the only two who could down a yard of ale in exactly 8 and a half seconds. Else discredits the first half of the story but believes the part about Alf's father's drinking abilities. When asked how he knew this person was the real Duke of Windsor, Alf claims he can always see Royalty in breeding.

A Wapping Mythology

Alf is ill in bed with the rest of the family downstairs ignoring him, watching TV. Eventually an NHS doctor with a cough, with questionable competence, arrives and declares that there is nothing wrong with Alf. Alf retorts that on a previous occasion that this doctor diagnosed nothing wrong with a patient, the patient died shortly after. Alf demands to see a specialist and is admitted to hospital, but is frustrated that he has to go on a bus and an ambulance will not be called. In hospital, he frightens a fellow patient, shows surprise at how much compassion the coloured nurses show and overhears a discussion by two surgeons about the operation they are due to perform on Alf tomorrow, including how they must not drink too much brandy that night and how they will have to hurry the operation tomorrow so they can play a round of golf.

In Sickness and in Health

Alf is furious that the Russian premier, Kosygin, has been invited to Downing Street by Harold Wilson. Believing that Britain is selling out to the Commies, Alf decides to take Else on a trip to Downing Street to protest—and then on to see Her Majesty at the Palace!

State Visit

A quiet afternoon in the Garnett household is the result of Mike and Alf both reading their own new books, and Else and Rita boredly sitting by, wondering what their respective husbands are reading. It transpires that Alf is reading "Cleaning up TV", the book written by the TV morality, anti-swearing, anti-blasphemy, anti-violence campaigner Mary Whitehouse. After ridicule levelled at him from both Mike and Rita ("She's concerned, for the bleedin' moral fibre of the nation!"), whose moral standards are at almost polar opposites from those of Mrs Whitehouse and Mr Garnett, Alf suffers a bout of diarrhoea, which he has been suffering from all day.

Alf's Dilemma (aka Cleaning Up TV)

When Mike is unable to get into the phone box to place Alf's bet on a horse which ultimately wins, Alf decides it is time for the Garnetts to have their own phone. Despite Mike trying to wind him up by pretending to be the operator, Alf is proud of his new possession but gets fed up when Else allows Min from next door to come in and use the phone, turning down the volume on the television show he is trying to watch

The Phone

Believing that Alf is scared to be a blood donor Mike goads him by betting him that even if he did give blood it would be rejected. This does the trick but Alf is sure that his blood will be given to somebody of importance and then has a dream that he is at Buckingham Palace where he has helped out the queen by his donation.

The Blood Donor

It's New Year's Eve and Alf, not wanting to join the others at the party over the road, gets out his old Monopoly set. When the rest of the family returns they have a game, leading to the inevitable falling out over property between Alf and Mike, and Alf taking drastic action.

Monopoly

Out of grudging respect for a dead female neighbor he despised, Alf orders the telly off for the whole day. Mike then tells Alf that his beloved West Ham will play Fulham, on telly that evening, but will Alf watch the Hammers 7–2 triumph

The Funeral

Despite the fact that he confiscated local kids' football, Alf is still invited by the vicar to act as coach for the youth soccer team, attracting scorn from Mike. Needless to say Alf is not a good trainer, concentrating on the skills of only one player, though he does attract the attention of some well-known soccer players.

Football

Alf returns home from the pub having bought a mongrel puppy. The rest of the family find it adorable but it is not exactly house-trained and the more the others find it charming through its anti-social antics the more Alf comes to resent it and wants to get rid of it.

The Puppy (aka The Dog)

When Else is laid up with bronchitis her sister Maud comes to look after the family. She and Alf hate each other and, after he insults her once too often, she refuses to cook for him. She also sees the opportunity to make him jealous when Else's old flame George Pringle comes to visit and Maud hints at something that might have happened between him and Else on Brighton beach before the war.

Aunt Maud

Despite Rita giving birth to his new grandson, Alf is a reluctant hospital visitor, as he would much rather be down the pub. A brief moment of bonding with the baby is quickly interrupted by indignation when he hears Mike's proposed name for the infant.

To Garnett a Grandson

Alf's in the money; celebrating at the pub he meets a friend, and thinks he has a sure fire way to make some more.

Pigeon Fancier

Alf takes the family on a holiday to Bournemouth but he moans the whole time.  Later Alf falls into the pool when his chair is moved

Holiday in Bournemouth

Alf speaks for the silent majority: "If we want a proper democracy here, we've got to start shooting a few people."

Dock Pilfering

"It's all very well letting women have children, but they shouldn't be allowed to bring them up."

Up the Hammers

Alf, in a wheelchair with a broken leg, on overpopulation: "Let's have a war and get rid of some of your bloody youth!"

Alf's Broken Leg

Alf feels he doesn't need a TV licence if he only gets commercial television.

TV Licence

Alf wants to throw a street party for the royal wedding of Princess Anne and Mark Phillips

The Royal Wedding

Strikes and Blackouts

Else begins her own three-day week so there's no dinner for Alf.

Three Day Week

Gran appears to be dying, so she won't need her late husband's gold watch now, will she?

Gran's Watch

Alf likes a drink, but isn't amused when the women have a skinful.

Party Night

Alf shows his prejudice against immigrants, one of whom moves in next door.

Paki-Paddy

Alf is missing Else who is still away in Australia and Rita and Mike convince him to make a long-distance phone call to her. But Else answers and lays the phone down to answer the doorbell, the time clicks away and the bill grows. Dandy Nichols last appearance as Else Garnett on the series.

Phone Call to Else

Min and Bert Reed from next door have a fight and split up.

Marital Bliss

Alf, the Reads and the Rawlins get involved in the inevitable political argument. Alf regards long term Labour minister Anthony Wedgewood Benn a fraud because he has a title – which he will later renounce – and lives in a wealthy Conservative neighbourhood. Mike, however, turns the tables on his father-in-law by pointing out that Alf is a Conservative voter living in a far from wealthy Labour stronghold.

Wedgie Benn

Min's mother has died and everybody has returned from the funeral though Min is adamant that her mother will be reincarnated as a blackbird. Having made sure that he has not already learnt of its outcome Alf settles down to watch the Ali-Foreman fight on TV but there are, of course, complications.

The Wake

Alf has been charged to look after the Christmas club subscriptions at the local pub. However maths is not his strong point and he has trouble balancing the books. This in turn leads to the regulars suspecting that, instead of intending to pay them out, he is keeping the cash to join his wife in Oz and an argument breaks out, though he is almost importuned by a gay man.

Christmas Club Books

Alf is heartbroken to learn Else isn't returning to England and has written a letter confirming it to Rita.

The Letter

With it clear Else isn't returning, Alf considers sale of the house and moving in with Min and Reed next door.

Moving in with Min

Min the Housekeeper

Alf and Bert go out for the day and Alf gets drunk and arrested for riding a bicycle intoxicated

Drunk in Charge of a Bicycle

While cleaning the windows, Alf gets stuck on the ledge.

The Window

A Hole in One

Alf returns home after being laid off work to find a surprise birthday party with friends and family. Arguments about politics, Catholics and the Irish fill the night. A near fight between Alf and neighbor Wally Carry is interrupted when a telegram arrives from Else in Australia asking for a divorce

Unemployment

Following the chronicles of the East End working-class Garnett family, headed by patriarch Alf Garnett, a reactionary working-class man who holds racist and anti-socialist views.

The Best Seasons of Till Death Us Do Part

The Best Seasons of Till Death Us Do Part

Season 5

Season 3

Season 2

Season 6

Season 7

Season 1

Season 4