A weekend in the Garnett household is punctuated with rows, and the protagonist is generally Alf. Whether it is politics, family, drink or football, he has an opinion that is shared by very few - least of all his long-suffering wife Else and his son-in-law Mike.

Alf does not realise that Mike has drawn a face on his bald head while he was asleep and wanders off to the pub.

It is Else and Alf's twenty-fifth wedding anniversary though Alf has forgotten and it is left to Mike to give him a present to pass on to his wife, not that Alf is grateful. Mike and Rita take Alf and Else to dinner at a fancy place in the West End. But Alf gets drunk and Mike discovers he doesn't have enough money for the bill.

Alf's racist outbursts lead to his receiving a black eye at a cup final match in Scotland.

Mike tries to convince Alf to sell the house and buy a new larger modern house. However, Alf later learns his plans involve Mike having the title deeds.

Mike's Irish parents are staying with the Garnetts, much to Alf's annoyance.

The Garnetts drive to Cornwall for a holiday in an isolated old cottage.

Despite the fact that he confiscated local kids' football, Alf is still invited by the vicar to act as coach for the youth soccer team, attracting scorn from Mike. Needless to say Alf is not a good trainer, concentrating on the skills of only one player, though he does attract the attention of some well-known soccer players.

Alf returns home from the pub having bought a mongrel puppy. The rest of the family find it adorable but it is not exactly house-trained and the more the others find it charming through its anti-social antics the more Alf comes to resent it and wants to get rid of it.

Despite Rita giving birth to his new grandson, Alf is a reluctant hospital visitor, as he would much rather be down the pub. A brief moment of bonding with the baby is quickly interrupted by indignation when he hears Mike's proposed name for the infant.

Alf's in the money; celebrating at the pub he meets a friend, and thinks he has a sure fire way to make some more.

Alf takes the family on a holiday to Bournemouth but he moans the whole time. Later Alf falls into the pool when his chair is moved

Alf speaks for the silent majority: "If we want a proper democracy here, we've got to start shooting a few people."

"It's all very well letting women have children, but they shouldn't be allowed to bring them up."

Alf, in a wheelchair with a broken leg, on overpopulation: "Let's have a war and get rid of some of your bloody youth!"

Alf and Bert head off to go golfing

With it clear Else isn't returning, Alf considers sale of the house and moving in with Min and Reed next door.

Alf, the Reads and the Rawlins get involved in the inevitable political argument. Alf regards long term Labour minister Anthony Wedgewood Benn a fraud because he has a title – which he will later renounce – and lives in a wealthy Conservative neighbourhood. Mike, however, turns the tables on his father-in-law by pointing out that Alf is a Conservative voter living in a far from wealthy Labour stronghold.

Alf has been charged to look after the Christmas club subscriptions at the local pub. However maths is not his strong point and he has trouble balancing the books. This in turn leads to the regulars suspecting that, instead of intending to pay them out, he is keeping the cash to join his wife in Oz and an argument breaks out, though he is almost importuned by a gay man.

Min goes on strike as housekeeper.

While cleaning the windows, Alf gets stuck on the ledge.

Alf and Bert go out for the day and Alf gets drunk and arrested for riding a bicycle intoxicated

Alf returns home after being laid off work to find a surprise birthday party with friends and family. Arguments about politics, Catholics and the Irish fill the night. A near fight between Alf and neighbor Wally Carry is interrupted when a telegram arrives from Else in Australia asking for a divorce

The two men of the household make pledges to give up smoking after Mike catches a cold and is left coughing because of his smoking a cigarette and that of his father-in-law smoking a pipe. It's every man for himself as whoever loses must pledge the savings they make from not smoking to their respective spouses and Mike begins enjoying his new found healthiness from giving up smoking. Alf, however, struggles and is left tempted by both Harold Wilson seen smoking a pipe on TV (a popular image that Wilson cultivated) and Rita and Else both still smoking. Then Alf has a brainwave and makes sure the rest of the household see him smoking his pipe, claiming he is being patriotic by smoking, his logic being that by smoking, he is paying extra tax to support British public services. He takes Else out to dinner on his savings from temporarily giving up smoking. For once, the tables are turned on Mike and Rita, who are both left speechless.

A picture of the Duke of Windsor, the former King Edward VIII, leads to Alf praising the former King for being "the greatest monarch the country ever had". He then goes on to claim that his father and the former King used to drink regularly at The Royal Crown pub, where he claims they were the only two who could down a yard of ale in exactly 8 and a half seconds. Else discredits the first half of the story but believes the part about Alf's father's drinking abilities. When asked how he knew this person was the real Duke of Windsor, Alf claims he can always see Royalty in breeding.