Every season of 'Allo 'Allo! ever, ranked from best to worst by thousands of votes from fans of the show. The best seasons of 'Allo 'Allo!!

The Colonel & the Captain mull over their situation and decide they should probably hand over René and the painting to the Gestapo in order to get rid of Herr Flick. But René convinces them that they could hand over a forged copy of the painting instead (with the assistance of a conveniently-located forger), and gets them to lend their uniforms to the escaping British officers so the Brits can take the painting to England to be forged.

Meanwhile, everyone keeps handing René poison pills "to make it easier", Herr Flick decides his relationship with Helga should include an intimate dinner in Rene's back room, and Hans figures out that putting cheese in one's ears improves the sound of Madame Edith's singing.

The British 'ave Come

After the Colonel's and the Captain's uniforms are borrowed by the British airmen, and later burned, they will have to send for replacement uniforms. Supplied by Michelle are carrier pigeons, which madame Edith accidentally cooks and serves to Herr Otto Flick.

Pigeon Post

The Colonel & the Captain and Herr Flick are all disguised as onion sellers while the German uniforms are being remade by the Jewish tailors of London. Michelle delivers a bottle of nitro-glycerin disguised as a bottle of Bols Gin to hide in the Cafe until they come to fetch it that night to blow up a German railway.

Saville Row to the Rescue

Hans mistakes the nitro for gin and accidentally blows up the railway himself! The Germans capture René, Yvette, and the peasant-disguised Colonel and Captain. As Helga, Leclerc, and Edith each attempt to help the gang escape, General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives in town and demands that the only known saboteur be shot. This means René's death by firing squad, with Lieutenant Gruber in charge of the squad!

The Execution

René tries to go back to his normal life after his fake execution, posing as his twin brother, also named René, but the funeral arrangements are difficult when there is no body, Monsieur Leclerc is cheaper than the regular priest and the coffin is filled with anti-tank bombs.

The Funeral

The Communist Resistance wants to make a martyr out of the dead René, and kidnaps the Colonel and the Captain at the Captain's birthday party. To make matters worse, they offer them on a platter to René's twin brother René, so that he can shoot them.

Red Nick's Colonel

The Colonel's birthday party becomes a perfect opportunity for getting the real painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies back from Herr Flick of the Gestapo, and substituting it with the forgery that was made earlier. The plan is to not invite Herr Flick but make sure that he hears about the big Binge – a traditional feast with genuine Bavarian dances featuring girls dressed as the Hitler Youth – so that he will have to come. In the meantime, René and Edith are supposed to walk into the office of Herr Flick and substitute the real with the fake. Of course, they fail – which means that Herr Flick now both has the fake and the original plus a second forgery, which he commissioned on his own in order to have money for his marriage with Helga after the war.

The Dance of the Hitler Youth

After the British airmen are gone for good – or so René thinks – there is still the problem of Herr Flick owning all three copies of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies (one original and two fakes), and while Herr Flick kidnaps Lieutenant Gruber (a former art house worker), the Colonel and the Captain start to plan their next move.

All the while, René's widow Edith have found René's will, and being the sole beneficiary, goes on a spending spree with René's money to attract better suitors. And the British airmen return as nuns. They are last seen hidden in the piano.

Six Big Boobies

René is caught in a dilemma when he must choose between the women he loves: his waitresses Yvette and Marie, and his wife Edith, who as his widow has all his money. Unfortunately, he cannot bring himself to woo Edith again, so Edith seeks the attention that she can get from other suitors in town.

The Wooing of Widow Artois

We pick up the action mere moments after the close of the previous episode, as the airmen-filled cow narrowly escape being milked by a German patrol while awaiting the landing of the plane. As they watch disappointedly, the plane does not land, and instead jettisoning two parachutes, one of which yields a new escape package. The other yields Officer Crabtree, sent from "British Ontelligence Headquitters". Disguised as a policeman, he is supposed to blend in. Unfortunately, his French is abominable, getting the vowels wrong as often as not.

Meanwhile, the plan to blow up the non-painting-filled knockwurst on its way to Hitler has hit a snag: René can't find anyone to blow up the train.

The Policeman Cometh

After failing to destroying the train, which will take the copy of the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies to Hitler, René and the Captain are captured by the Resistance, only to be rescued by Herr Flick. The Colonel and the Captain are afraid that Hitler will understand that the painting is a copy, and prepare to escape to Switzerland.  In the meantime, British agent in disguise, officer Crabtree, has a new escape plan for the British airmen.

Swiftly and With Style

René tries to hide from the seconds of Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker, but in his stead Lieutenant Gruber accepts the duel. However, the Colonel and the Captain want to save René and plans an exercise to "accidentally" kill Monsieur Alphonse. The plan is thwarted by Herr Flick, who has discovered that the sausage that was sent to Berlin containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies did not contain any painting – either real or fake. Herr Flick correctly assumes that the Colonel and the Captain stole the painting, and arrests them and cancels the exercise. Now René has to fight the duel on his own, while Yvette and Maria grieve on the sidelines and his wife Edith catches up on the gossip of the week.

The Duel

After René ran away from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, he hides. He's rescued by Michelle from the Resistance who smuggles him back into the café dressed as a member of the Resistance, while she explains to Monsieur Alphonse that René is the bravest man in France. But Herr Flick has captured the Colonel and the Captain, and brings in René as well, and torture them unless they reveal where the painting of "The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies" is hidden. They are rescued by General von Klinkerhoffen.

With life back to normal, there's only a matter of getting the British airmen out. As the General imposes a curfew, Michelle's plan is a funeral for Madame Fanny.

Herr Flick's Revenge

After the Colonel makes René promise not to hang out with the Resistance anymore, Herr Flick's sausage (containing the forgery of the Fallen Madonna) is kidnapped by the Communist Resistance. The Colonel and the Captain are anxious that it doesn't come out that they have switched the paintings, and order René to come up with the ransom, which Edith gets from Monsieur Alphonse.

The ransom is to be left by René and his staff, dressed as German soldiers. But the whole thing is watched by German soldiers dressed as French policemen, the Gestapo dressed as French Resistance girls, and the Colonel and the Captain dressed as trees. And of course, Lieutenant Gruber stumbles upon the meeting, and his dog can't help but chase the sausage.

The Nicked Knockwurst

The sausage containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna, which was taken by Lieutenant Gruber's dog, is minced by the Lieutenant – but fortunately he discovers it first and saves it. At the same time, the missing knockwurst means that Monsieur Alphonse cannot get back the money which he leant to pay the ransom of the kidnapped sausage. The Resistance pays him back with Monsieur Leclerc's badly forged money. But after everything seems to be getting back to normal, the sausage is sent to Lieutenant Gruber to make another copy. Also, Michelle's latest plan to get the British airmen back is by an old plane with the motor from general von Klinkerhoffen's lawn mower.

Gruber Does Some Mincing

After Maria is sent to Lieutenant Gruber with the sausage containing the real painting of the Fallen Madonna for copying, she is caught by General von Klinckerhofen, who places the sausage in his wardrobe and helds Maria hostage until his lawn mover engine is returned by the Resistance.

Herr Flick, the Colonel and the Captain, and René hears about this and decides to go to the chateau through the secret passages and steal the sausage from under the General's nose, using Helga, Yvette and Lieutenant Gruber as erotical bait.

The Sausage in the Wardrobe

With René again in the possession of the sausage containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna, the attention turns to getting the two British airmen out of France. Michelle proposes a steam engine tour through Nouvion. Michelle's newest hairbrained scheme of getting the airmen out will of course need 80 meters of suspenders, and it's René's job to get them from every Frenchman in Nouvion. Herr Flick and Helga arrive in his staff car to spy on the show.

Flight of Fancy

After the plot to get the two British airmen out failed, a frustrated René returns to the painting of the Fallen Madonna. He hides it behind an ugly painting in his café which is immediately recognized by General von Klinkerhoffen as a Van Gogh and requisitioned for his office in the chateau. He also requistions the two new maids in Café René – or as they are better known: the two British airmen in disguise.

Realizing that the two airmen will be recognized right away, Michelle of the Resistance comes up with another hairbrained scheme of digging a tunnel from Monsieur Alphonse's morgue into the prisoner of war camp and smuggling in the two airmen into the camp.

Pretty Maids All in a Row

While the Captain is sitting in the café, herr Flick from the Gestapo is listening when René is talking to London on the wireless. He soon cracks the code surrounding the message with the plan to dig a tunnel from the mortuary to hide the British airmen.

But it's soon apparent that the two airmen and Monsieur Alphonse need help with the digging, and the café staff are called in, leaving Madame Fanny and Leclerc in the café. But the Colonel and the Captain follow René, discover the tunnel, and are captured in the prisoner of war camp.

The Great Un-Escape

Having been trapped in the POW camp, René is enlisted in the plan to re-dig the tunnel, by getting rid of the dirt. Hans and the Colonel are playing cricket, though not very well, and Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are digging their own tunnel into the camp. Monsieur Alphonse arrives at the café to report to Fanny the news that René has been captured, but René and Company join in on the British prisoners' plan to escape – though only one person can escape in this way.

Meanwhile, Helga reports the situation to Gruber, and together they decide on a plan to rescue the Colonel, the Captain, and René, involving Gruber dressing as a nun.

Prisoners of War

Dressed as girls from the Folies Bergère, the entire gang (the staff and the Germans) escape from the prisoner of war camp, and completely against plans bring the two British airmen with them. Outside again, the Colonel finds that the Captain is missing, only his glasses are found.

Herr Flick and von Smallhousen intercept a message from London and try to send their own message, but René catches on and tosses the radio out the window, which leaves the Resistance without a means to contact London, until Michelle thinks of the radio in Lieutenant Gruber's little tank.

Camp Dance

Since Maria's disappearance, the café needs another waitress, but René and Edith has somewhat different ideas about who should fill the position, but finally Michelle from the Resistance brings tiny Mimi from another cell, to be René's bodyguard.

In the meantime, General von Klinkerhoffen gives the Colonel a new assistant, Italian liaison Bertorelli.

Good Staff Are Hard to Find

The Gestapo suspects that the Colonel and the General are in on a plot to assassinate Hitler, so Herr Flick goes undercover as Private Irma Von Kinkenrotten and plants a somewhat bizarre daffodil-shaped microphone in the Colonel's office, where Gruber and Von Strohm are making plans to get rid of Bertorelli in some way.

Meanwhile, as Edith prepares for her wedding, René & Co. must get the aerial for their new radio above the jamming signal of Herr Flick, so they disguise Mimi as a small nun to obtain a box kite which they fly to contact London and request plastic explosive to blow up the safe in the General's chateau to get the British Invasion plans.

The Flying Nun

There is still no batteries for the wireless radio underneath the bed of René's mother in law, so Michelle's newest hairbrained scheme is to have René and Yvette powering the radio with the generator from a bicycle until the stolen batteries from a German midget submarine are delivered.

The Lieutenant is finished copying the paintings (The Fallen Madonna and the Van Gogh), and delivers them as sausages. Sausages also comes from Captain Bertorelli (real ones), Monsieur Leclerc (submarine batteries), and Officer Crabtree (explosives), and soon they're all mixed up in the German officers pants.

The Sausage in the Trousers

The Germans arrest René, and the Colonel demands an explanation for the knockwursts with explosives in them. After a small lie, René is sent home with around a dozen knockwursts to hang in his kitchen.

Meanwhile, the British have sent a spy camera with which the Resistance should be able to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain, but the camera landed in the vineyard of Monsieur Alphonse's, and since the Germans commandeered the vineyard, the Resistance cannot go and look for the camera. This problem is solved when the General orders every peasant in Nouvion to work on the vineyard, which also leaves room for some assassination attempts on the General's life.

The Jet-Propelled Mother-in-Law

René is forced to masquerade as the head of the Gestapo, Heinrich Himmler himself, in an attempt to rescue Frau Von Kinkenrotten from prison. Of course, this is actually Herr Flick, still in his earlier disguise.

Desperate Doings in the Dungeon

Armed with a camera disguised as a potato, René has to get into the chateau so he can photograph plans for the German invasion of Britain.

The Camera in the Potato

Leclerc and René plan to blow the safe in Lieutenant Gruber's bedroom. Edith's job is to drop a smoke canister down his chimney, but will she get the right one?

Dinner with the General

Having blown the safe in Lieutenant Gruber's bedroom, René and Leclerc are surprised by its contents. The Communist Resistance lies in wait for their escape, and holds them hostage in a sawmill.

The Dreaded Circular Saw

Denise, the head of the Communist Resistance, who was René's sweetheart in his childhood in Nancy, and who's now determined to marry René.

Meanwhile, Edith and the servant girls have to explain to the Lieutenant why his little tank has crashed into the public toilet, and ends up getting Gruber's compassion.

René has a difficult time telling Edith that he will marry Denise, since Monsieur Alphonse has asked for Edith's hand, and Yvette has it in her heart to tell Edith that René will marry her instead.

Otherwise Engaged

René's friends rally round to try and save him from his impending marriage to the formidable leader of the Communist Resistance.

A Marriage of Inconvenience

René disguises himself as his father in order to escape the wrath of Denise Laroque.

No Hiding Place

René and the Resistance find another novel way to return the British airmen to England.

The Arrival of the Homing Duck

René and his staff prepare the long-distance duck for its vital flight to England.

Watch the Birdie

Monsieur Leclerc comes to the rescue when orders are given for René to be arrested. René tries to escape using a unique disguise.

René - Under an Assumed Nose

René is in even more trouble as the generals gather round at the chateau.

The Confusion of the Generals

A medal for bravery, a suicide pill and a hide-out in the Vatican introduce an old habit to René.

Who's for the Vatican?

René and the Resistance need to find a huge amount of money quickly to save Mimi from the Communists.

Ribbing the Bonk

When it is revealed that the one million francs stolen from the bank belong to Herr Flick of the Gestapo, the best place to hide them seems to be down René's trousers.

The Reluctant Millionaires

René has got rid of the Gestapo's money, next is the secret microfilm, but he is hampered by the Resistance girls in the cupboard.

A Duck for Launch

While under interrogation, Alfonse's dicky ticker starts playing up, and he is whisked to hospital. He must be either rescued or eliminated before he can spill the beans about the stolen Gestapo money.

The Exploding Bedpan

Michelle and Crabtree hatch another plot to get the British airmen back to Blighty. Captain Bertorelli has stolen Gestapo money planted on him.

Going Like a Bomb

Edith is in a romantic mood, and René is playing the piano.

Money to Burn

Faced with the problem of hiding 1,000 kilos of stolen high explosive, Michelle of the Resistance decides on a simple but daring course of action. It will be hidden in 500 Christmas puddings.

Pudding Can Go Off

Not only does René nearly get blown up by an exploding Christmas pudding, he also gets roped into another Resistance plan to smuggle out the British airmen.

Land Mines for London

René tries to sneak off to Switzerland with Yvette on the night train.

Flight to Geneva

René attempts to sneak off to Switzerland with Yvette and four gold bars, but discovers the Resistance are intending to blow up their train.

Train of Events

Chaos engulfs René as he attempts to hide the stolen gold. Meanwhile, the Resistance plan to steal the Enigma encoder.

An Enigma Variation

René asks Edith to marry him after hearing Monsieur Alphonse's intentions of asking for her hand in marriage. Meanwhile, General Von Klinkerhoffen suspects Colonel Von Strohm of stealing his gold, while Herr Flick suspects René.

Wedding Bloss

René is still hiding the four bars of gold he has stolen and decides it is time he left his dangerous life in Nouvion.

Down the Drain

René is still harbouring the German Enigma machine as well as the four bars of gold he has stolen, two British airmen and the painting of the Cracked Vase with the Big Daisies by Van Gogh. So the café is now full and getting more crowded by the minute.

All in Disgeese

The latest escape plan for the British airmen involves them wading along the canal underneath a tin bath. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen pose as escaped British airmen, hoping to be picked up by the Resistance.

The Resistance have built a communication post in René's 'grave', in an effort to get around German jamming of their radio signals. René, Edith and Monsieur Alphonse try it out. René gets caught on the aerial and is hoisted above his 'grave'. Lieutenant Gruber sees him and thinks it's the ghost of René's 'twin brother'.

Desperate Doings in the Graveyard

The Gestapo and the Italians plan to infiltrate the Resistance. Little do they know that René and friends are waiting for them.

The Gestapo for the High Jump

Private Helga Geerhart plans to marry Herr Flick in order to report his every move to General Von Klinkerhoffe

The Nouvion Oars

When the British airmen are arrested paddling a tin bath down the estuary, René and his staff are instructed to rescue them from the chateau in coffins. All goes to plan, until Monsieur Alfonse challenges Monsieur Leclerc to a duel.

The Nicked Airmen

Michelle of the Resistance plans to infiltrate German headquarters to rescue the British airmen using hijacked German uniforms. But who will fit them? Officer Crabtree thinks René's chances are 'farty to one'.

The Airmen De-Nicked

Café René is the venue for a clandestine deal involving the solid gold cuckoo clock weight, Van Klomp's portrait of the Fallen Madonna and five anonymous characters wearing paper bags over their heads who answer to the names of Colonel X, Lieutenant X, Captain X, Private X and X.

The Crooked Fences

Fanny and Leclerc's wedding is timed to coincide with the execution of Michelle's most audacious escape plan yet.

Crabtree's Podgeon Pist

Michelle comes up with an audacious escape plan for the British airmen involving a barrage balloon and 24 cylinders of helium disguised as prize-winning marrows.

Rising to the Occasion

Newly-weds Fanny and Leclerc are sent to jail by the Germans for flying around in a bed attached to a balloon. Edith decides they have to be rescued - much to René's horror. But her plans are thwarted by a loose bed knob.

A Quiet Honeymoon

The Colonel, Gruber and Bertorelli desperately try to stop General Von Flockenstoffen's suicidal plan to kidnap Churchill.

An Almighty Bang

René is to be given a collaboration medal for his help with the removal of Von Flockenstuffen. Unfortunately, this causes the Communist Resistance to place a price on his head. He decides once again to elope with Yvette. Michelle orders René to take the British airmen to the monastery to be picked up by a lightweight plane. Flick also learns of this news, and he and Von Smallhausen have themselves initiated into the brotherhood to gather information and capture the airmen. Unfortunately, René ends up grabbing Edith's hand instead of Yvette's, as the two are rushed aboard the plane bound for England.

Fleeing Monks

René and Edith, transported to England in the place of the British airmen, get medals from Churchill and meet an old friend from the past.

Up the Crick Without a Piddle

The German officers burgle Gestapo headquarters, but find a ghostly apparition has got there before them.

The Gestapo Ruins a Picnic

Michelle enlists René to try to retrieve the Fallen Madonna locked in Herr Flick's safe.

The Spirit of Nouvion

A rescue operation is mounted when the British airmen find themselves trapped in wine barrels in the cellars of the chateau.

Leg It to Spain!

Von Klinkerhoffen thinks a marriage between a French woman and a man from the occupying forces would be good propaganda. He orders Edith to marry Bertorelli.

Prior Engagements

The British airmen are stuck down the drain in the village square, and René plans to get them out using an old ice cream van.

Soup and Sausage

Michelle plans to release the British airmen from the drain in the square under cover of a gypsy fair, but at the last minute the Gypsies cancel.

René of the Gypsies

René and company disguise themselves as Spanish dancers to recover some radio broadcasts.

Arousing Suspicions

Still searching for the Fallen Madonna, Herr Flick gives Helga a truth drug.

A Woman Never Lies

It is René's birthday and he gets a series of surprises, not all of which are pleasant.

Hitler's Last Heil

René has organised a secret wedding with Yvette.

Awful Wedded Wife

Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen almost meet their maker in front of a firing squad.

Firing Squashed

Michelle's new plan involves an eel, a dogfish, ten million francs and the Fallen Madonna.

A Fishful of Francs

Edith tries to avoid the firing squad by convincing the general that she is not Hitler.

Swan Song

The Colonel and Gruber return from Spain. Meanwhile, Edith is faced with a grave situation.

Gone with the Windmill

Having been captured by the communists, René tries to find a way to escape.

Missing and Presumed Dead

René is supposed dead and a parade is held in his honour.

Rene Artois Is Still Dead

Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen plan to impersonate Yvette and Mimi to search the cafe.

Tarts and Flickers

The plans of the Germans conflict with those surrounding Nouvion's Fishmonger's Parade.

A Fishy Send-Off

René and the café staff prepare to welcome the invading British troops.

A Winkle in Time

The misadventures of hapless cafe owner René Artois and his escapades with the Resistance in occupied France.

The Best Seasons of 'Allo 'Allo!

The Best Seasons of 'Allo 'Allo!

Season 3

Season 2

Season 1

Season 4

Season 5

Season 6

Season 7

Season 9

Season 8