Psychologist Dr. Phil makes a house call in Bernie's confessional. He counsels Bernie on how to deal with an angry Wanda, who feels left out after Bernie and his buddies bring a woman, Lynette, into their group. Meanwhile, the kids find where Bernie hides all of their dangerous toys and end up almost killing each other to keep the secret.

Bernie believes that he is the master of all pranks until his neighbor Carl Reiner, Wanda, and the kids join forces against him for the ultimate practical joke. They make Bernie believe that he accidentally killed Carl's beloved dog with rat poison. But it isn't until Ashton Kutcher comes into the picture that Bernie is put in his place.

Wanda decides to enroll the kids in an organization that teaches social skills to young people, with Vanessa instantly making new friends, who manage to get themselves into trouble & in mall jail.

In an effort to bring family members closer together, Wanda insists they participate in the annual parish retreat.

Bernie feels that Jordan is ready to walk home from school by himself, but his walk home days are over after Jordan and his friends pick on a crabby neighbor. Vanessa has a wardrobe malfunction while swimming.

Wanda's parents, Lloyd and Leora, visit the Mac household. Bernie and Wanda first think the visit will be good for the kids. But Lloyd and Leora start to give them more then they bargained for when hey start to criticize Bernie and Wanda's parenting skills. Bernie and Wanda decide to let the grandparents take care of the kids and leave for several hours. When they return, Bernie and Wanda tell Lloyd and Leora how they feel and decide the best thing is for the grandparents to leave. When Vanessa finds out, she is very upset because Leora did not tell her parents that a boy kissed her. Everyone makes up and decide to leave parenting to Bernie and Wanda.

Bernie is tired of living in a child-friendly house and having to give up all of his favorite things because of the kids. When the studio gives him a motorcycle and Wanda suggests that he give it to charity because it is unsafe, he puts his foot down and decides to keep it until he crashes, passes out and sees what the Mac house would be like without him. When he comes to, he realizes that Wanda is right, and he child-proofs everything in the house and becomes over-protective of the kids. Meanwhile, Jordan is caught trying to sell Bernie's girlie magazines to the boys at school and Bernie and Wanda are called into another meeting with Father Cronin.

Bernie is thankful that Vanessa is doing well in school due to the support of her teacher, Mr. Diggs. But when Mr. Diggs' influence turns her into a vegetarian, a jealous Bernie puts his foot down. Meanwhile, Jordan makes Bryana dread her first year sitting at the kids' table at Thanksgiving.

When Jordan makes the wrestling team, Bernie turns to Stone Cold Steve Austin for advice.

Bernie doesn't like it that Bryanna's education consists of playing in the sandbox, tag and tiddlywinks, and he begins to question the teaching methods at the Wellington School. So Bernie volunteers as a teacher's helper for a week to see for himself. Things go wrong from the start when he demands respect from the kids and asks them to call him Mr. Mac instead of by his first name, as they do with the other adults at the school. When he gets resistance from the kids, the teachers tell Bernie that since he does not respect the Wellington way he must be on his way. He takes Bryanna with him but enrolling her in a new school isn't as easy as it seems. Meanwhile, Wanda thinks she can reason with Vanessa and Jordan and resists using violence against violence to get them to stop fighting, but she's beginning to think it's the only thing that will work.

Bernie catches Jordan looking at his men's magazines and playing provocative video games, so Wanda tells him it's time for Jordan to learn about the ""birds and the bees."" Bernie is having trouble getting the words out, so he stops by the Playboy Mansion to get advice from the expert, Hugh Hefner. When Jordan thinks he got a girl pregnant by kissing her, Bernie realizes it's time for the talk.

Bernie and Wanda struggle with how to discipline Bryana when she begins to change from their adorable baby girl into a bratty little bully. They consult a child therapist to determine what is making her suddenly throw tantrums, become a bully at school and fight with her siblings at home. Meanwhile, Bernie buys Bryana a guinea pig but it's Wanda who ends up taking care of the pet and eventually bonding with it

Bernie is happy that Vanessa has joined the Spirit Squad, until he sees the racey costumes and provocative routines. Jordan enlists Bryana and her friends to help him sell a product.

Bryan, Bryanna's father, shows up to spend more time with his daughter-and ends up spoiling her.

When Bryana's father, Bryan (Anthony Anderson), visits, he threatens Bernie's relationship with Jordan and undermines Bernie's barbecuing techniques.

To ensure he has enough turkey at Thanksgiving, Bernie makes his own personal, no-kids-allowed bird—which comes out undercooked, thanks to Jordan. But Bernie plows through anyway, only to suffer a ravaging illness that prompts two disturbing dreams. In the first, he and Jordan are claymation characters in a cartoon universe, where Bernie takes a measure of revenge by capturing his young ""jive turkey."" In the other, Bernie and Wanda are flying to a kid-free tropical vacation—until he spots a demonic Vanessa on the wing of the plane.

Jordan plans to impress one of Vanessa's friends with magic.

Bryana accidentally walks in on Bernie getting ready for his bath. Vanessa is not happy when Bryana moves into her room. Bernie and Wanda decide that it may be time to remodel the house, much to the dismay of Bernie's wallet.

Jordan wants to be more popular in school, so Bernie teaches him to gamble, but the trick soon backfires. Wanda's birthday is coming up, and Bernie searches for a rare cognac-colored diamond.

Berine better put his money where his mouth is when he agrees to Charles Barkley's bet that he will beat Bernie's time in a 10K charity race.

Jordan turns 13, but still acts like a monster fighting with Bryana. Eventually Jordan lets Bryana walk all over him to avoid further punishment. When he gets his gifts back, Bernie holds back an R-rated movie. Later when Bernie asks Jordan to babysit Bryana one night, Jordan accepts just so he can watch the R-rated movie behind his back.

Bernie takes the entire family to Chicago for the funeral of a beloved uncle, but his cousin's scheming mars the trip.

Bernie gives Vanessa driving lessons, but he goes overboard while teaching Vanessa. Out of nowhere, he gets his truck towed away and he also gets glasses.

Bryana's birthday party results in a lawsuit after she bounces high in the moon house and accidentally sending the girl flying. When Bernie hears about this, he tries to find a way to prevent the lawsuit from happening.

When Jordan develops a crush on a girl, Bernie teaches Jordan how to be a "player". Vanessa wants to attend a hip-hop concert.