I decide to get a cat rather than have a baby because it’s more expensive.

Elaine Carroll

Back to School

Philip Seymour Hoffman

I get a new place. Ash looks totes fugly - ugh - I mean tired in this one. Wardrobe provided by Donna Karen.

Moving Out

My bodyguard is responsible for everything related to my body, including moving the stuff I surround my body with.

Moving Day

Got legit sick filming this. Didn’t sleep for 48 hrs. Not cuz of drugs, you haters, b/c I’m an effing method actor.

Bodyguard

I consider getting a baby. At least I think that’s what happens. It’s been a while since I read the script.

Baby

Bodyguard flat out refuses to be my daddy baby, so I flat out threaten to steal his sperm.

Baby Daddy

I’m tired of waiting around for that special someone to have a baby for me.

Depressed

I learn never to drive drunk. Especially when driving a blimp.

Hangover

I know to get emotional when the piano music kicks in.

Fight

I get acting lessons from the Academy Award-winning creep-o.

I’m going back to college to get my The Bachelor degree.

Can I have an extension on that paper I have to write? I have to learn how to write.

Extension

I ended up getting an “F” for “F”-ort.

Paper

It’s just a little crush and I throw up a little every time they touch.

Crush

Ashleyguard

Quiet, Evil Dragon, I’m trying to write a description!

Nightmare

Zac Efron

Is this about all those blimps I crashed? Because I keep telling you guys, I don’t care.

Philip Seymour Hoffman 2

Do you feel lucky, Bodyguard? Are you a Luckyguard?

The unofficial celebrity biography of Mary-Kate Olsen, brought to spoiled rotten life by Elaine Carroll. Featuring Bodyguard, Fat Professor, and obscene wealth.

Cat

Seasons4

Season 1 Episodes19

Cast1

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