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Carefree jingle writer Charlie Harper has his lifestyle altered when his uptight brother and his 10-year-old nephew move in with him.

Pilot

Despite warnings from Charlie, Jake continues to feed seagulls on the deck and the birds invade the house. Meanwhile, Charlie thinks Judith is taking advantage of Alan, who keeps going to her house to fix things.

Big Flappy Bastards

Jake wants to go home to his mom after he gets sick, prompting Alan to think he's a failure as a husband and now as a father.

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

Charlie can't function when his housekeeper storms off because of Alan's constant complaints, so Alan tries desperately to woo her back. Meanwhile, Rose comes to Charlie for dating advice.

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

Alan and Charlie have encounters with some highly libidinous soccer moms, but with two very different outcomes.

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

The guys go to Evelyn's house to meet the new man she's dating, and Charlie realizes the man's daughter is a woman he's trying to avoid.

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

Judith is upset with Alan and Charlie when she learns that a surfer who uses Charlie's shower walks around half naked in front of Jake . Then Alan's worried when Judith and the surfer become friends.

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith in leading Jake and his classmates in the school's annual music show.

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

Charlie is convinced that a woman who spent the night with him wants to turn their relationship into something serious after she befriends Jake and Evelyn.

Phase One, Complete

Realizing he's losing someone special, Charlie plans a Thanksgiving dinner to convince her he's a family guy and that she should be with him.

Merry Thanksgiving

When Alan is surprised to see that Judith has had a makeover and is dating a man, he decides to have Charlie help him transform his image.

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

Berta's granddaughter spends the day at Charlie's, which isn't a problem until he learns she's a beautiful, rebellious 16-year-old.

Camel Filters and Pheromones

Charlie nurses an ailing Alan back to health so they can go on a double date with two sisters, one of whom Charlie's been wanting to date for a long time.

Sarah Like Puny Alan

Charlie's financial manager informs the carefree jingle writer that he spends money faster than his royalty checks come in, and now he must go on a budget.

I Can't Afford Hyenas

Charlie invites a mysterious, slightly crazed woman to stay at the house until she can settle some family problems.

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

Charlie is perplexed when Frankie, the mysterious woman temporarily living in the Harper household, begins falling for Alan and not him.

That Was Saliva, Alan

Charlie's still brooding over Alan's choice of their cousin as Jake's guardian if both parents die when the boy has an accident while in his care and has to be rushed to the hospital.

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man.

An Old Flame with a New Wick

Judith's devious siren sister stirs things up at Jake's 11th birthday party when she hits on Alan. Meanwhile, Evelyn brings alcohol and has a party of her own.

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

Jake's sullen mood baffles and bothers the family and prompts Alan and Judith to take him to a child psychologist.

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

Charlie plays a tricky game when he gets involved with Alan's divorce lawyer, who could make things difficult for Alan if she were, say, dumped by a self-centered lothario.

No Sniffing, No Wowing

When Charlie discovers that Alan is sleepwalking, he believes it's related to his brother's lack of sex following his divorce, and comes up with a cure.

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

When Jake repeats one of Charlie's sexist remarks in front of Judith's support group, the women convince Judith to stop Jake's visits with his dad and Charlie.

Just Like Buffalo

Charlie has a pregnancy scare involving one of his one-night stands and decides to go for the big "V," and we're not talking Vegas.

Can You Feel My Finger?

Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.

Back Off, Mary Poppins

Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician, and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension for giving his teacher (Missi Pyle) the finger by romancing her, but his several attempts fail every time.

A Bag Full of Jawea

Jake is very impressed and can't stop talking about his mother's new boyfriend, Dr. Melnick, which annoys Alan.   While Evelyn borrows Charlie's car to help her impress a Saudi prince, because she wants to sell him real estate.  When Charlie gets his car back, he discovers his mother's bra in the backseat.  When he finds out why it's there he decides to trade in his car.

Go Get Mommy's Bra

Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who's better at playing hard to get than he is.

Bad News from the Clinic?

Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

Alan meets a woman named Nancy at a grocery store, who fulfills every single one of his desires, forcing Charlie to take care of Jake. After knowing Nancy for a few days Alan decides to ask her to marry him, prompting Charlie to try and talk him out of it, and he even gets help from the brothers' mother.

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

When Charlie leaves the house to avoid a date that he can't stand, he ends up at a coffee shop, where he meets his old girlfriend Lisa.  He finds out that she broke up with her husband, and now has a child. Now he must try to convince Lisa that he's okay with her having a child.   While Jake tries to justify to his father why he isn't doing so well in school.

Yes, Monsignor

Charlie tries to get Jake's approval on a theme song that he is hired to write for a television show, which is based on a comic book that Jake is a fan. While Alan finds out  more about Rose (including how smart she is), when he spends more time with her.

The Salmon Under My Sweater

After getting unusually turned down at a bar, Charlie learns that a website has been made dedicated to exposing his lifestyle. Charlie sets out to find who created the site, making amends to all those he stood up, but it's harder than it looks when all the women take the apology better than expected.

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

Alan is jealous of Charlie when an old classmate, who's now a beautiful woman, seems to be more interested in Charlie.

A Lungful of Alan

After an earthquake hits, Judith's house is damaged and she needs a place to stay. So Alan decides to invite her to stay with him and Charlie, without getting Charlie's permission.  Charlie isn't happy with this, but accepts it. Alan becomes jealous when Judith goes on a date, and asks Charlie to find him a date, so that he can show Judith that he dates as well.

Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)

The brothers throw out their mother, after she insults the way Alan is raising Jake.  When Alan and Charlie ignore her phone calls, to get their attention she ends up in the hospital.  When Alan and Charlie show up at the hospital they aren't sure if she's faking, and try to call her bluff.

Those Big Pink Things with Coconut

Alan starts to worry about a medical procedure that he is facing, and to get his mind off it, Charlie suggests they go to Las Vegas.

Smell the Umbrella Stand

When Judith decides to take a vacation, the brothers have to take care of Jake during the week.  Alan finds it challenging, and even forgets to pick up Jake from soccer practice.   When Alan finds out that he has to go to the I.R.S. because they're auditing him, he forces Charlie to take care of Jake, and Charlie doesn't do any better then Alan.

Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?

After Charlie has back pain, Alan decides to take him to the Hospital. While there Charlie can't stop hitting on the doctor who is examining him.  The only problem is that he has a history with her that he can't remember.   Berta is feed up with Jake's inability to use the bathroom properly, so she decides to make him clean it until he learns.

Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!

Charlie is invited to a party hosted by a gay ad-executive named Eric, so Charlie asks Alan to pretend that he's his life partner.  While at the party, Charlie meets Eric's ex-wife Pamela, and tries to sleep with her without Eric finding out.

It Was Mame, Mom

After Charlie takes Alan to an eye doctor, they end up at cafe where they bump into Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Sherri. While there Alan shows an interest in Sherri, and decides to ask her out.   The problem is that Alan can't get over Sherri's relationship with Charlie.

A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise

Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings, when Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other.

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry has died. They all attend the funeral, including Jake who is excited at the opportunity of seeing a ""dead guy"". Charlie is excited by the opportunity of a newly single widow, and Alan is just happy to pay his respects to Harry.

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

Evelyn buys Alan a new Sports car causing Charlie to claim that his brother has sold his soul to the Devil.  The next day, Evelyn extracts payment by insisting that Alan go on a blind, double date with her, her new beau and his daughter.  At the restaurant, Alan learns that his mother and boyfriend will not be able to join them because there was a mixup between his heart medication and Viagra and she didn't want to ""waste it"".  As a result, Alan is left to deal with the daughter, who is on a weekend pass from a rehab center and still has some loose screws.  Alan eventually gets her back to the beach house only to have her drive off in his new sports car and become the object of a televised high-speed car chase.

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

Evelyn demands Jake spend a night at her place when she finds out he spent Spring Break with Judith's parents. Neither Alan nor Charlie are keen on the idea, but going to a bar after dropping off Jake quickly erases their concerns.

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an older man's trophy wife while Jake has to read a paper to his class.

Does This Smell Funny to You?

After falling off the roof, Alan needs Charlie's help in looking after Jake, which interferes with Charlie's social life.

Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts

Jake gets suspended from school after drawing an offensive picture of a girl in his class that has large breasts. Meanwhile, Charlie is asked to watch over Alan's chiropractic office after pulling an all-nighter.

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

Alan has been dating a lot, and Charlie soon finds out that it has been one woman - his ex-wife, Judith. He tries to stop Alan, and even brings Rose, Evelyn and Berta to interfere - but Alan ignores them all.

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

Berta causes tension between Charlie and Alan, when she temporarily moves in with them

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

Charlie learns he can't be in a long-lasting relationship, becuase of unresolved issues he has with his mother. Jake asks Charlie for advice about a girl at school.

We Called It Mr. Pinky

Ignoring Alan's warnings, Charlie continues to date Isabella until she threatens to put a curse on his manhood.

Hi, Mr. Horned One

Charlie wakes up with Rose the morning after her birthday party. Her irate father comes to ask Charlie about what the future holds for him and Rose, but the unexpected happens when Evelyn shows up.

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

Charlie tricks Jake into taking ballet lessons, so he can get close to the teacher.

That Voodoo That I Do Do

One of Charlie's elderly neighbors tries to seduce Alan, while Charlie tries to stop Jake from giving money to a televangelist.

Madame and Her Special Friend

Charlie helps Alan with his obsession of always having to get approval from the women in his life.

Something Salted and Twisted

Alan starts dating a woman with a Martha Stewart complex. Before long she's running the house with an obsession for perfection.

Santa's Village of the Damned

Charlie sees a therapist to learn how to deal with Alan's emotional insecurities.

That Special Tug

Charlie finds himself in a relationship that is not based on sex.

Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

Charlie arranges a romantic date with Mia in the hopes of consummating their relationship. Alan begins to date Charlie's most recent ex-girlfriend.

Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

Charlie has trouble keeping up with Mia's healthy lifestyle, so he begins to sneak beers, cigars, and burgers behind her back. When Mia finds out what he was doing, Charlie has to decide if he is truly in love with her or just whipped.

My Tongue is Meat

Alan has trouble deciding if he should bring his younger girlfriend to Jake's birthday party to meet his mom and his ex-wife. Rose tries to get her boyfriend to act more like Charlie.

Ergo, the Booty Call

Charlie is nominated for an advertising award, but he decides to boycott it because his arch nemesis always wins. The rest of his family tries to trick him into going. Rose is having relationship problems with Gordon and seeks help from Charlie.

The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

Alan starts to have financial problems when he starts paying for his girlfriend's bills, so Charlie tries to get him to break up with her. Meanwhile, Judith is after Alan because he is late in paying his alimony check.

The Spit-Covered Cobbler

Charlie is surprised to find out that Kandi has been living with them for the last three weeks. Alan is having a tough time helping Kandi earn a living. Charlie has lost his sense because of the dry-spell he is going through.

Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

Alan tries to win Kandi back.  Meanwhile, Charlie starts to sleep with her mom, Mandi, and Judith gets set up with her father, Andy.

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

Jake’s teacher has a meeting with Alan and Judith to discuss the lack of interest Jake has at school. Alan starts to fall for Francine, in a platonic way, because he is tired of the lack of intelligent communication he has with Kandi. Charlie helps Jake audition for his school musical.

And the Plot Moistens

A girl from Jake’s school invites him to his first boy-girl party.  Charlie and Alan help him get ready for it by giving him advice. Alan and Charlie get nostalgic and remember their first boy-girl party.

Just Once with Aunt Sophie

Mia comes back to town with her dance troupe and invites Charlie to her performance. At first, he decides not to go and tries to convince Alan that he no longer has feelings for her. He goes to the see the performance and Mia explains that she wants some of Charlie’s sperm. Charlie responds by asking Mia for something.

Arguments for the Quickie

Charlie and Mia start making their wedding arrangements.  Things begin to fall apart when their two families meet each other. They eventually decide on a small ceremony in Las Vegas.

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

Charlie returns to his bachelor lifestyle after Alan moves out of the house. Alan suffers a breakdown after his divorce from Kandi.

Working for Caligula

Charlie finally tells Alan that he didn't marry Mia because she wanted Alan and Jake to move out of the house, but Alan finds a hole in his logic. Charlie and Alan deal with a noisy neighbor who constantly sings all the time, who happens to be Steven Tyler.

Who's Vod Kanockers?

Charlie tries to surf to impress Dottie, a beautiful woman he just met, but after he nearly drowns he is convinced that he saw his late father.

The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress

Alan tries to hire his ex-wife's lawyer to help him win custody over the dog he and Kandi shared.

A Pot Smoking Monkey

Alan is overjoyed by the prospect of Judith remarrying, as he would no longer have to pay alimony. Alan gets Charlie to help him when it looks like the marriage maybe derailed due to Jake’s dislike of his mother’s fiancé.

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

Charlie is dating a woman whose personality and life are like his mother’s.

Apologies for the Frivolity

Berta's daughter, Naomi is pregnant and Berta drags Charlie with her when she confronts the baby’s father. Alan reveals a secret fetish.

Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head

Alan suffers from insomnia. He visits his psychiatrist, who reveals that the cause of Alan's sleepless nights is his jealousy towards Charlie, and his inability to glide through life.

Release the Dogs

Charlie gets tired of Alan's mooching and reaches the breaking point during the brothers' double date. Jake is left home alone for the first time.

Corey's Been Dead for an Hour

Worrying Charlie may get rid of one of them, Berta and Lydia fight over him. Meanwhile, Kandi does everything she can to stop Alan from selling their condo.

Kissing Abraham Lincoln

Charlie's friends and family put a crimp in his plan for a romantic Christmas Eve date. When Evelyn sees who the date is, she goes to great lengths to force a wedge between them.

Walnuts and Demerol

Berta discovers that Alan has been dating her daughter Naomi.

Castrating Sheep in Montana

Jake shares that he has heard his mother having sex with her fiancée, Herb; this revelation brings up a repressed memory for Charlie. This leads Charlie to seek help from Rose.

Don't Worry, Speed Racer

Charlie sets Alan up with their new neighbour. But he gets jealous when the two form a bond.

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami

Rose is moving to London, and Charlie is surprised by his reaction to the news. Alan lies to a woman he met online.

My Damn Stalker

Charlie's young, hot girlfriend takes him to a new club. She invites Alan to meet one of her friends but the men are shocked to learn that they are considered as being "old".

Young People Have Phlegm Too

After Evelyn tells Alan and Charlie how she feels about there being no mourners at her friend’s funeral, the boys share their feelings that this could also be the case at her funeral. Evelyn tries to prove them wrong by introducing them to a couple she help adopt a boy from China. The boys return fire by inviting the young man to a play date with Jake.

I Merely Slept with a Commie

Alan tries to bond with Jake when he realizes that his childhood is almost over. Kandi pursues a career in acting.

It Never Rains in Hooterville

Charlie takes a liking to Myra, the witty sister of Judith's fiancé, Herb.

Smooth as a Ken Doll

Alan looks forward to Judith's wedding, while Charlie and Myra continue their romance.

Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot

Alan and Charlie re-examine their sexual identities after Alan befriends Greg, a gay man. Meanwhile, Jake has a crush on Greg's daughter.

Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous

Jake gets lucky after Charlie takes him to the racetrack. Meanwhile, Alan has a difficult time at the DMV.

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag

Charlie is shocked when the handyman working on his house beats him out for Chloe's affections. Alan has no sympathy for Charlie’s distress.

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

Evelyn's boyfriend, Teddy, invites Alan and Charlie to go with him to Las Vegas on his private jet. The boys confront their individual 'daddy issues'

Prostitutes and Gelato

Jake is getting ready to start a new school as he graduates to Junior High. Alan and Charlie take him school shopping and find themselves in trouble.

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

Charlie acts strange after spending an evening with his mother, and a woman Alan slept with behaves oddly the next morning.

Media Room Slash Dungeon

Alan convinces Charlie that he needs to date more respectable women and sets him up with a judge. The two double date and their waitress happens to be one of Charlie’s ex-girlfriends. Charlie's date backfires the following morning, when he ends up in court in front of the judge.

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo

Charlie and Linda get closer to consummating their relationship, but Charlie has trouble focusing when he begins to see Rose's face everywhere he turns.

The Best Seasons of Two and a Half Men

The Best Seasons of Two and a Half Men

Season 3

Season 1

Season 5

Season 2

Season 6

Season 4

Season 7

Season 8

Season 10

Season 11

Season 9

Season 12